get a grip.

tonight i realized that i really need to get a grip. i realized that i can be one incredibly obnoxious bitch. now, the whys of it all don't really matter. what matters is that i know i am in the wrong on certain things and those certain things are in my control to change. what i can't change is the fact that many people will often make snap judgements without appropriate information to base those judgements on. people will think what they will think of me no matter what i do. what can i do about it? not much. people often don't want to hear something that is completely different from what they believe. i'm tired of getting upset to no avail. i'm tired of beating the dead horse. i can't control what others think or believe based on nothing more than observations. why do i allow myself to get so frustrated? why do i allow myself to get so bent out of shape? sometimes i think i just need the attention. as much as i'd like to admit otherwise, i'm lonely. quite often, i feel like a 2 year old who just wants to be heard but no one seems to understand my language so my last resort is to throw a tantrum. then i get attention. certainly not positive attention, but attention nonetheless. at my age, i know that i will live out the rest of my life pretty much alone. i'm not real happy about that, but it is reality. do i want to spend my life struggling to control what people think about me? whether alone or not, the answer is no, not really. i think that i want the same thing that everyone else on this planet wants, happiness. happiness really isn't about who likes you and who respects you and who listens to you and who admires you, is it? i'm doubtful that i'll ever make it to that magical place called "self-acceptance". there are just way too many demons to eradicate. i wonder just how happy can a person be if they never achieve self-acceptance? are their degrees of one that lead to degrees of another? is happiness a more a fluid state of being rather than some goal to be attained? if i want to find the answers, i suppose i should start with getting a grip, huh?

well shit stinky.

time flies. it's tuesday night. i didn't forget but simply didn't get around to posting the mo' love mondays on monday. monday was awesome. today was right up there, too. monday was awesome because the weather was nice and my class just rocks. today was comparable for different reasons. ainsley is officially a city dog (at least i think the following makes her an official city dog)--she peed on the sidewalk! yay! she still won't shit do the stinky on the sidewalk, but i got no problem with that. we're close enough to central park that she can do her stinkies there. i am so proud of my girl! she rocks! i managed to get her to central park this AM in time for her to spend about half an hour off leash before we had to run back for a 9am meeting. there were SO MANY dogs! cute dogs! ugly dogs! nice dogs! not so nice dogs! it was awesome. too bad i'm not a morning person or i would make myself come into the city so she could have a couple of hours of fun time in the park a couple of times a week. well, i ain't a morning person so it ain't gonna happen that often. i think she'll live. i'm really digging central park. not only that, i'm really digging my job. i'm beginning to be able to envision myself here for the long haul. now i just need to either find someone who needs an old bitch and a wonderful dog for roomates in manhattan. i kinda doubt i'm gonna find a sugar daddy in this town. i think i'm one of only a handful of fat people here. maybe i will have that fat people's surgery--after all, i am a fat people. at any rate, things are going swell so far. there are, understandably, a few negatives floating around but i am hopeful that those negatives will be relieved or eliminated over time. i'll keep my fingers crossed just in case.

the kid is alright

two weeks ago i started teaching at the new job. it's been good so far. the week before that, when i went in to do paperwork, find my workspace, etc. it was awful. i'm learning that things are just done differently here. i was taking things kind of personal, but i shouldn't have been. i really love my colleagues A & L. they are just honest, straightforward, no-shit-taking people. those are the kinds of folks i really love.
everyone is in love with ainsley. everyone. i wish i had that effect on a few select men. keanu reeves to be exact. no kidding! i love riding the subway and seeing all these people break out in a big grin when they see her. just seconds before they were walking around in their "new york bubble" just trying to get from point a to point b without being fucked around or over, then BAM! there's ainsley and her "the world is a shiny happy lovely wonderful place and i love you SO MUCH!" attitude. it makes me feel good that my little muttmeister can make a few smiles each day. of course there are some asshoolios who are just ignorant and i try my best to just ignore them. i don't wear the bionic ear on the commute in the AM so that's easy then and i'm considering not wearing on the commute back in the evenings if i get another smartassed comment from someone who doesn't want to hear anything but the sound of their own voice. ainsley is a service dog--much like a seeing eye or guide dog, she alerts me to sounds that i cannot or don't hear. she is protected under access laws like civil rights legislation, animal/pet legislation, and disability specific legislation. she CAN go anywhere with me include in food establishments, transportation, etc. i have a feeling that i will be taking my place on the soap box to educate people and organizations about the access rights of service animals and their owners and trainers. i have run into a couple incredibly alarming situations at one particular local retail establishment. they will be hearing from me at the local and corporate levels.
i have been making an effort to become more informed and knowledgable of the transportation options and i've toyed around with various commuting options. i will continue to do that as time goes on. in fact, i plan to try a different commute at least once next week to see how it goes. so far, the commute isn't bad. it can be a long wait at certain times, but there are different options that i have not been aware of and i'm sure there are other options that i'm still not aware of. ainsley does great on the commute. she is completely unaffected by it all. she is taking all this change and all this excitement in stride. she is having to adjust to seeing more dogs being walked and packs of dogs being walked by dog walkers--an uncommon sight for us. i'm also having trouble at the local dog park. all the male dogs have been clamoring to gang bang my sweet pup. the owners have decided that i am an idiot who is bringing a dog in heat to the dog park and that i am just asking for trouble. wrong. ainsley was fixed years ago. she has the scar to prove it. unfortunately because she is so submissive, she won't communicate to the gang bangers to knock it off already. i think park of her thinks it is a big game because she can make them chase her (which she LOVES!). as long as they are not hurting her and none have penetrated (gawd that sounds so disgusting!)--she won't make a sound or nip or bark or growl or anything. we may have to go to a different dog park all together since i have heard from two people that their male dogs did not hump other dogs until they started going to this park. poor ainsley.
while at work, i havewalked ainsley down to central park a few times since there are green spots and dirt spots around trees in the sidewalks in that direction--hence places where she will "potty" or "hurry" as the command is for us. she loved central park and i am checking out different sections of it online to check out during our long days in the city. i'm also trying to figure out a quick route to carl schurtz (sp?) park where there is a supposedly a nice dog park.
i steered clear of the city yesterday and today due to a taxi strike and fashion week at bryant park. as i become more comfortable with my surroundings, i will extend my comfort zone little by little in the city. i have not seen any famous people yet, but my mother called me and told me that brad pitt and his daughter were in central park the same day that i was walking ainsley there. see. now my mother is a celeb-watcher because her daughter works in nyc!
my new apartment is really an old old place but it has character and it is cheap for the area. i got rid of a lot of my belongings prior to moving here--perhaps more than i should have, but i actually feel quite refreshed and less stressed with fewer belongings since that means less clutter and less chaos. things are slowly coming together and i am having to pinch my pennies until my first payday, but this experience is teaching me to live with less and to live more simply. there is still some work to be done to fix up the apartment (painting, fixing, cleaning, etc), but i am comfortable and safe. those are the most important factors.
i am looking forward to my first real guest in november. my friend susan will be coming to cheer on a scottish friend in the NYC marathon. as luck would have it, my cousin's wife, jamy, will also be running the marathon. we will all get together and have a blast i am sure. susan is always so much fun.
i have made a decision about a few things in my life that will change many things drastically, but i also know that the changes will be for the very best. in the days and weeks and months that follow, i am focusing on living and not hiding. this has become a struggle for me. it has, over the past few years, become much easier for me to withdraw and hide from life and living and from engaging with others. i don't want to continue like this. i want to be ME. the real me. the me that is engaging, curious, and all about experiencing the world. i am in the center of the universe (or at least a few miles from there) so it would be criminal if i didn't take advantage of the opportunity.
dear friends and readers, i'll be posting more regularly now that i've settled into my new life a little bit. i'm looking forward to getting feedback from you all on things i need to do and see here on the east coast and in NYC. i'm clueless, so clue me in!

fresh.

fresh brewed coffee. fresh morning dew. fresh minds. fresh ideas. you get the idea. as much as i bemoan mornings--i'd much rather be snuggled under a light blanket dreaming of keanu or flying or fighting flying elephants or whatever than to rise with the sun. still, i see the simplicity and the efficiency in rising early. there is a quiet and calm of the early morning hours that are as appealing to me as the middle of the night. only a matter of minutes between the two.
yesterday i certainly rose with the sun. i was perhaps more productive than the previous several days. i suppose because i had a purpose and a schedule for a change. my brief hiatus between semesters was luxurious and much appreciated as well as completely unstructured and lazy. i felt like a very spoiled princess for most of it and damn if that wasn't the schizz! but y'all know what? i realize i crave and need structure and substance to my days. with a structured schedule and a list of tasks to accomplish, i feel grounded. i feel, well, fresh. i still don't like waking early in the morning, but once i've done it i realize i can deal with it. i'll never be all breezy and smiley and joyous in the mornings--silent and grumpy is the best i think i can do. hell, it's the best i'm willing to do. for now.

ph62:hair

it's photo hunt time again! this is my second go at it. it is actually kinda fun to figure out what you will post.


if you want to see more photo hunt posts for this week, check it out here or if you'd like to participate in photo hunters, go here. best yet, check out the photo hunter blogroll on the right in a cool drop down menu (click on the + next to the blog title).


this week's theme is "hair"



doggie and me. she seems to like when i lay my head on her. she was more than happy to pose for these pictures, too.

don't forget to visit all the other photo hunters out there, expecially the spotlight site francois at street crew

taking a look inside.

most people on the planet have to listen to "constructive criticism" every now and then. smart people will get over their initial hurt or defensive feelings and look for a way to improve. i'd like to think of myself as a "smart" person (at least in some regards).
i got performance evaluations today. the general concensus is that i am not very organized, that i waste time, and that i am rude/sarcastic/mean.
i know i'm have not been very organized. it is something that i continue to work on. i have made some progress in this area, but i certainly need to become more organized in order to eliminate the second issue: wasting time.
i knew i was not making the best use of time on the job so i will definitely have to look into what i can do to change or eliminate those tasks that seem to waste the most time.
the third thing, was and was not a surprise.
i know that i am a very sarcastic individual. in no way do i intend to be "mean" (most of the time), but it does come across as being mean. i often lose my patience with what seems to me to be very judgemental attitudes. then i can be very snippy. i have to mentally challenge myself not to become defensive as i am thinking of instances in which this behavior came to light.
it's hard when it is partly habit and partly personality at play. still, i know that my sarcasm, irritability, and frustration oftentimes results in hurting someone's feelings, making them feel bad, or some other negative consequence. instead of thinking how the other person is at fault, i am taking a deep breath and taking a look inside. i wonder what can i do to change? what can i do to foster more patience and understanding? what can i do to tone down a sarcastic personality? i feel badlly that i have had a negative impact on people that i certainly would prefer to have a positive impact upon. doing a poor job in this area does not make me a failure. no. i will be a failure if i continue without making changes and adjustments.
i've always had a problem with anger. the problem has been extreme at times. it appears that the anger problem is just bubbling, thus fueling the sarcasm and frustration. what makes me angry? good question. one that i will have to consider and ponder for a while. i know where the anger is directed and how the overflow of that anger is affecting those around me. i guess that's the first step. the most important step is changing it.
isn't life a lovely challenge?

ch-ch-ch-changes

whew. friggin' boy it's been a long week. the weekend will be a long one too considering how close finals week is. i have several final group projects and final papers to grade/finish grading in order to stay on top of the influx of even more final papers next week.

this week has not only been hectic, but stressful mainly because i haven't been able to sleep much AND the wind shifted directions again, thereby resulting in another icky sinus allergy flare up. such fun! *eye roll*.

i had some wonderful moments with some of my favorite students this week. i'm even more certain that i am doing what i am supposed to be doing AND i am evolving ever closer to who and what i am supposed to be in this life.

the synchronicity theme seems to be continuing in many areas of my life. i really should blog a bit more about this and how it is affecting me and my relationships (both personally & professionally).

the closer graduation gets, the more people are sending regrets that they will not be able to attend. i guess nothing ever really changes. my mother is the only one who will be there thus far. i'm sure that she and i will have a blast. the older we both get, the better we seem to get along and the better we seem to understand one another.

i'm excited about the coming changes in my life. i feel that i am experiencing life and all its ups and downs in a whole new lght. i've made a committment to let go of worry and just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to. stress isn't non-existent in my day to day life, but the eztreme stress that nearly shattered me is no longer a part of my life. nothing is so important that i should lose my sanity over. lord knows i have precious little sanity to spare!

this realization that i am maturing, growing, evolving, becoming, actualizing........it is a very odd feeling. i'm not quite sure i could explain it even if i tried. there is a tinge of regret for many reasons and a longing for a life i'll never have, a past that can't be re-written, and lessons learned too late. still, i remind myself that things do and will have a way of working out as they are meant to. there is a purpose to all things, including my life. i just pray that i will have succeeded in fulfilling my purpose here in this life, on this earth, in this realm, before i take my last breath.