fresh.

fresh brewed coffee. fresh morning dew. fresh minds. fresh ideas. you get the idea. as much as i bemoan mornings--i'd much rather be snuggled under a light blanket dreaming of keanu or flying or fighting flying elephants or whatever than to rise with the sun. still, i see the simplicity and the efficiency in rising early. there is a quiet and calm of the early morning hours that are as appealing to me as the middle of the night. only a matter of minutes between the two.
yesterday i certainly rose with the sun. i was perhaps more productive than the previous several days. i suppose because i had a purpose and a schedule for a change. my brief hiatus between semesters was luxurious and much appreciated as well as completely unstructured and lazy. i felt like a very spoiled princess for most of it and damn if that wasn't the schizz! but y'all know what? i realize i crave and need structure and substance to my days. with a structured schedule and a list of tasks to accomplish, i feel grounded. i feel, well, fresh. i still don't like waking early in the morning, but once i've done it i realize i can deal with it. i'll never be all breezy and smiley and joyous in the mornings--silent and grumpy is the best i think i can do. hell, it's the best i'm willing to do. for now.

taking a look inside.

most people on the planet have to listen to "constructive criticism" every now and then. smart people will get over their initial hurt or defensive feelings and look for a way to improve. i'd like to think of myself as a "smart" person (at least in some regards).
i got performance evaluations today. the general concensus is that i am not very organized, that i waste time, and that i am rude/sarcastic/mean.
i know i'm have not been very organized. it is something that i continue to work on. i have made some progress in this area, but i certainly need to become more organized in order to eliminate the second issue: wasting time.
i knew i was not making the best use of time on the job so i will definitely have to look into what i can do to change or eliminate those tasks that seem to waste the most time.
the third thing, was and was not a surprise.
i know that i am a very sarcastic individual. in no way do i intend to be "mean" (most of the time), but it does come across as being mean. i often lose my patience with what seems to me to be very judgemental attitudes. then i can be very snippy. i have to mentally challenge myself not to become defensive as i am thinking of instances in which this behavior came to light.
it's hard when it is partly habit and partly personality at play. still, i know that my sarcasm, irritability, and frustration oftentimes results in hurting someone's feelings, making them feel bad, or some other negative consequence. instead of thinking how the other person is at fault, i am taking a deep breath and taking a look inside. i wonder what can i do to change? what can i do to foster more patience and understanding? what can i do to tone down a sarcastic personality? i feel badlly that i have had a negative impact on people that i certainly would prefer to have a positive impact upon. doing a poor job in this area does not make me a failure. no. i will be a failure if i continue without making changes and adjustments.
i've always had a problem with anger. the problem has been extreme at times. it appears that the anger problem is just bubbling, thus fueling the sarcasm and frustration. what makes me angry? good question. one that i will have to consider and ponder for a while. i know where the anger is directed and how the overflow of that anger is affecting those around me. i guess that's the first step. the most important step is changing it.
isn't life a lovely challenge?

ch-ch-ch-changes

whew. friggin' boy it's been a long week. the weekend will be a long one too considering how close finals week is. i have several final group projects and final papers to grade/finish grading in order to stay on top of the influx of even more final papers next week.

this week has not only been hectic, but stressful mainly because i haven't been able to sleep much AND the wind shifted directions again, thereby resulting in another icky sinus allergy flare up. such fun! *eye roll*.

i had some wonderful moments with some of my favorite students this week. i'm even more certain that i am doing what i am supposed to be doing AND i am evolving ever closer to who and what i am supposed to be in this life.

the synchronicity theme seems to be continuing in many areas of my life. i really should blog a bit more about this and how it is affecting me and my relationships (both personally & professionally).

the closer graduation gets, the more people are sending regrets that they will not be able to attend. i guess nothing ever really changes. my mother is the only one who will be there thus far. i'm sure that she and i will have a blast. the older we both get, the better we seem to get along and the better we seem to understand one another.

i'm excited about the coming changes in my life. i feel that i am experiencing life and all its ups and downs in a whole new lght. i've made a committment to let go of worry and just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to. stress isn't non-existent in my day to day life, but the eztreme stress that nearly shattered me is no longer a part of my life. nothing is so important that i should lose my sanity over. lord knows i have precious little sanity to spare!

this realization that i am maturing, growing, evolving, becoming, actualizing........it is a very odd feeling. i'm not quite sure i could explain it even if i tried. there is a tinge of regret for many reasons and a longing for a life i'll never have, a past that can't be re-written, and lessons learned too late. still, i remind myself that things do and will have a way of working out as they are meant to. there is a purpose to all things, including my life. i just pray that i will have succeeded in fulfilling my purpose here in this life, on this earth, in this realm, before i take my last breath.