inner peace.

it's been a hectic week. really.
yet in the midst of the fast pace and the craziness, i'm finding more of me. i'm becoming more and more centered and balanced. i'm trying to see beyond the surface to the truth. lately, it seems that i have these sort of epiphanies -- or maybe they are really psuedo-epiphanies. is there really such a thing?
at any rate, i don't want to get all spiritual and mystical on ya'll, but it's true--in the middle of all this frenzy i'm finding the calm.
must be one big effin' storm on the way.

chill.

this morning the air was definitely chilled. my outdoor thermometer (an old fashioned type one) says 45 degrees although it feels much chillier than that. i think it's officially fall and i love it. so does petey. he's escaped this morning and is stalking around in the yard. he comes to the door to peek as if to say "neener neener neener!" before dashing off to stalk all manner of invisible creatures. he's such a goob.

yesterday, ainsley and i went to central park for the "my dog loves central park country fair" and had a blast. she wore her vest and was very good the whole time. ok well except for that one time she and noah and the other cci dog (acre i think is his name--something like that anyway). ok maybe it was more than once, but i digress. she was wonderful as usual. she had her picture taken with Clifford the Big Red Dog. she really liked clifford. we scored some big time schwag--even some schwag for petey! we also saw more dogs in once place than i have ever seen in my entire lifetime. it was crazy wild in a good way. we saw big dogs, little dogs, in between dogs, working dogs, playing dogs, dressed up dogs, naked dogs, all kinda dogs! it was awesome! it made me kinda warm and fuzzy inside to realize that so many new yorkers are dog people! :-)

i talked to many of my family members this week which was really nice. i don't get enough time to just catch up anymore and i got to do that with my two aunts and two of my cousins. i'll be seeing aunt cookie and uncle butch when i go down to alabama/florida for a wedding this coming halloween weekend, which is, incidentally, also my birthday weekend. i got my uncle butch a cool gift just for the hell of it and my aunt cookie's birthday is coming up the weekend prior to the trip. i've gotten her a pretty cool gift also. so cool i wanted to keep it for myself :-) but i won't.

speaking of gifts, my aunt kat sent me an early birthday present. i wore it to central park yesterday. it is maroon and says "southern girl" on the front and on the back it says "southern girls love their bulldogs". my alma mater is miss. state university and the bulldogs are our mascot.

and speaking of mascots, sort of, i met some really nice people at the canine companions for independence (CCI) booth at central park yesterday. CCI is the agency that bred, raised, and trained ainsley. ginger is a lady who lives on long island and is acre's partner. (there will be pictures later on my flickr page). she was so nice and sweet. i enjoyed talking with her. another lady, alice is a puppy raiser and her neice, eve, was with her and her released puppy. sweet ladies. i really appreciate puppy raisers for all they do because if it weren't for puppy raisers like alice and eve, i wouldn't have my ainsley. i also met lisa, one of the trainers at the CCI northeast regional center. she and one of the dogs were working very hard giving out brochures and speaking with fair-goers. she was very nice and helpful. if you know me, i really like meeting interesting and nice people. if you're a jackass, not so much. (yes, i have picked up that phrase which i abhor! i think it is a yankee thing, i dunno).

speaking of jackasses, kinda. a little girl (about 9 i would guess) got stuck in the lavatory on the train as we were waiting for departure at penn station. her dad kinda pissed me off. at first he was really pushy and mean with her before she went into the rest room. i just didn't like his attitude with her. she waited her turn to the lav and went in, then she couldn't get the door to open. it must be soem kind of complicated button & lever mechanism, but she couldn't figure it out and she paniced. initially, her dad was upset at her and he seemed to be embarrassed by the whole situation and he seemed to be embarrassed by her. he kept yelling at her through the door to keep trying to open the door etc. eventually, the guy started panicing too. he got on the emergency intercom and was trying to get train personnel to come help his daughter. all the while, i might add, people were pouring onto the train as boarding was going on and this goober dad was running around (almost stepping on ainsley a few times--which woulda been bad for him) yelling and just generally not keeping his shit together. the train started moving and she was still stuck. she was crying and she was really freaking out. my seat in the disabled seating area was right across from the door to the lav so that's how i witnessed all this shit so clearly. several other male passengers tried to get the door open but it wouldn't work and they tried to talk elizabeth (the little girl) through opening the door, but she was just too freaked out. finally, a train conductor (a really really hot dude, by the way) showed up and he managed to get the door open. there stood little elizabeth, a beautiful little girl with dark curly hair, all red-faced and crying. what did her dad do immediately? no he didn't hug his little girl or try to comfort her in any way. he just lit right into the conductor yelling at him about them not getting there immediately to help him. the whole time, elizabeth was just standing there trying not to cry. i took her hand and had her come sit in my seat and let her love on ainsley a little bit, and talked to her to help her calm down. it didn't take much to help calm her down but of course it was me doing this and not her dad, who should have been doing it. now i realize that he was freaked out but his first priority should have been his daughter. he didn't even ask her if she was ok or reassure her or anything! and at the same time, i can readily admit that, not to long ago, that would have been me, only worse, in reacting to a stressful event like that. so i can understand how he was feeling and how he could have reacted the way he did. i also realize that elizabeth will always remember his lack of concern for her. i couldn't help but wonder if he treats her like that in general.

anyway.

i do need helpful advice if anyone has any (or just plain old advice is fine, too). i have been researching iphone VS. blackberry as i want to upgrade. i'm also trying to figure out do i want to get different devices for different functions or do i want the most all-in-one device there is. anyone have an opinion? for example, do i want to get a phone that covers the phone/email bases and then get a separate mp3 player for music, podcasts, and videos? i was even thinking i could keep my current phone (the fairly new NV2 banged up as it is) and get an ipod touch or other ipod for music, podcasts, games, etc. basically, i need access to email, phone, and calender in a phone. i have become very dependant upon my gps navigation service through my current (and previous) phone models so that would be something i'd like to keep. i heavily use my phone's calender feature, but i would really prefer to have something that would sync with my google calenders so i have just one interface rather than two separate interfaces for my calenders (personal, teaching, administrative, etc). it's easy for something to get lost in the shuffle there.
i've already done one of those pre-approval things for an iphone 3g, but do i really want to take that plunge? my current service is with verizon. another option, maybe, is the new tiny little ultra mobile pc from asus. i saw them in target last week. i don't know what features it has or what the true functionality of it is, but it's there. it might be a possible alternative.
anyone? bueller? bueller? bueller?

hump day

i'm glad it's hump day, but it doesn't seem like it should be wednesday already. i have way too much stuff to get done and nowhere near the appropriate amount of time in which to do it.

i posted a bunch of new pictures on my flickr account so go check 'em out if you want.

here's looking at a long and seemingly endless weekend to come.

where the hell did september go?

ok i just cannot believe that september has come and gone that fast. it just isn't right. time does not necessarily fly in the presence of fun, because while fun has been had this past month, it has not been the majority activity. *sigh*

what's in the works for your october? are you looking forward to ghosts and goblins at month's end? are you looking forward to fall festivals and fairs, not to mention cooler weather? i personally am looking forward to the day that it is chilly enough to relish a bowl of hot homemade veggie soup with a piece of cornbread (not them damn corn "muffins" the yankees seem to believe are the same thing).

so what's your favorite thing about october?

dude!

2 months. well almost. pretty damned near. gesh! has it REALLY been that long? ok so maybe it has, but i have good excuses.
i'm back and i'm still busy but i've been feeling really guilty for not keeping up with my blog so here i am making an extra effort to say something interesting.
lots has been going on the past two months. nothing life changing or dramatic. it's all good. i'm feeling good about my place in life and where things are going. i guess you could say i'm experiencing some level of zen or flow in my life right now. i'm going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts!

i will be moving in august. i've rented a small 2 bedroom cottage in a town a few miles northeast of here. ainsley will have a little fenced in yard to play in and there is a pretty little patio for outside relaxing. i'm excited about the move and am looking forward to putting down some roots for a change.

cute ain't it?

drive by updating.

wow. like a whole frickin' month. that's amazing. how'd the time slip by so fast? oh i know! because i was so frickin' BUSY! gesh. lawdhaffmercy.
i'm grading and meeting with students and meeting with colleagues and avoiding pre-registration crisis by the skin of my teeth (who knew that teeth had skin?!) and trying to do some writing and preparing for summer class and working on a manuscript revision and OH! trying to maintain what little sanity i have left (if i ever had any--which is, indeed, questionable).
my nephew is graduating from high school next week. he SO rocks and not only because he's MY nephew but because he's just one of the most talented and sweetest dudes around.
next mama has a birthday! i won't mention how young she is but suffice it to say, she's MY mama therefore she rocks!
then we travel to aunt cookie's to visit. everyone else has been down to visit her new digs but me. she moved to her new place with uncle in tow around about the time i moved to jersey.
then there is summer school. i'm teaching the first summer term AND trying to find a new apartment in the event that i'm unable to reach an agreement with my current landlord. then i'm spending time down home (wayyyyyy down home) visiting family and doing some writing.
ok so like that's the latest from the not-so-greatest. so what's the haps with ya'll?

why?

to my abusers,
i have one question for you: “why?”
i don’t believe that you can provide a valid answer. you may not even HAVE an answer. i wonder how you’d feel if the things you did to me were done to your own daughter. what then? i wonder if you realize that karma is real and it really does bite. hard. i wonder if you realize that despite the issues that i continue to deal with, partially because of what YOU did to me, i’m fairly happy with my life. i wonder if you were aware of how deep the scars go. i wonder if you know how your actions and your words affected me, even from so long ago. i wonder if you have a guilty conscience. i wonder if you ever think about it and feel badly. i wonder if you would take it back if you could.
even though i ask, i know i may never know. i can accept that. i have no other choice but to accept it.

me

10.

me, originally uploaded by jac__.

ten years have changed many things about me. not the least of these things is the thickness of my hair or the perkiness of the girls. posting the truthiness photo and comments that i got (and often get) about my hair being so thick made me laugh. my hair is very thin compared to how thick it was in this picture. where did the time go? how the hell did i get where i am today?

rockin.

dude. life is moving swift as of late. i've been busy. work. taxes. critters. plans. sleep. whew.
ainsley is feeling much better thanks to all those who asked. she was actually FULL of energy on tuesday morning. she was so excited about going to "work" and actually surprised me with improved alerting at work. i'm practicing more with her throughout the day and asking regular office visitors to help with the door knock alert. it seems to be working.
i've been using the cell phone camera to take the pictures and i'll take one of her later and post. i keep forgetting to charge the battery on my stinking olympus point and shoot digital camera. i really don't like the camera to be honest with you. i just cannot seem to get the hang of it and take pictures as good as with the old camera. the old one was an olympus also but it was an older model. i liked it way better. i really want a DSLR and have been eyeing the Canon Rebel EOS XTi and the Nikon D40. if i can decide on one of the two i'll start prowling craigslist and ebay.
i've been struggling with a few things lately. one of those things is the need to "man up" and be a grown up. i don't really wanna, but i'm certain i hafta. another thing is that my plantar fasciitis has been flaring up really bad lately. it hurts like f#$*ing HELL. i've stretched. i've taken aleve. i've massaged. i'm tired of this crap.
now work is rocking. i love my job and the people i work with. i have the absolute best mentors in the world and i'm lucky enough to be able to say they are also my friends. i never thought i'd be doing what i'm doing today and never thought i'd be doing much of anything in NYC of all places. i'm so glad i'm pleasantly surprised.

well shit stinky.

time flies. it's tuesday night. i didn't forget but simply didn't get around to posting the mo' love mondays on monday. monday was awesome. today was right up there, too. monday was awesome because the weather was nice and my class just rocks. today was comparable for different reasons. ainsley is officially a city dog (at least i think the following makes her an official city dog)--she peed on the sidewalk! yay! she still won't shit do the stinky on the sidewalk, but i got no problem with that. we're close enough to central park that she can do her stinkies there. i am so proud of my girl! she rocks! i managed to get her to central park this AM in time for her to spend about half an hour off leash before we had to run back for a 9am meeting. there were SO MANY dogs! cute dogs! ugly dogs! nice dogs! not so nice dogs! it was awesome. too bad i'm not a morning person or i would make myself come into the city so she could have a couple of hours of fun time in the park a couple of times a week. well, i ain't a morning person so it ain't gonna happen that often. i think she'll live. i'm really digging central park. not only that, i'm really digging my job. i'm beginning to be able to envision myself here for the long haul. now i just need to either find someone who needs an old bitch and a wonderful dog for roomates in manhattan. i kinda doubt i'm gonna find a sugar daddy in this town. i think i'm one of only a handful of fat people here. maybe i will have that fat people's surgery--after all, i am a fat people. at any rate, things are going swell so far. there are, understandably, a few negatives floating around but i am hopeful that those negatives will be relieved or eliminated over time. i'll keep my fingers crossed just in case.

mo' love mondays

Oh My Stinkin' Heck a/k/a OMSH a/k/a Heather is perhaps the coolest of the cool in the blogosphere. she hosts all sorts of give aways, points you in the direction of MANY wonderful bloggers (i love that she spreads the love so much), is straight up honest, funny, and sweet. I am so jealous of her beautiful eyes--talk about KNOCK OUT! not too long ago OMSH started a fun little thing called Color Me Happy Swaparoonie in which unsuspecting internets become addicted to GIVING and RECEIVING cool, color themed treasures! i have, thus far, participated in two color swaps and am signed up and matched for the next one as well. heather is also a genius when it comes to web design. one day i plan to get her to work on my own personal web design/brand. go check out heather at OMSHville today. she ain't feelin' awesome lately (all sicky) so ya'll be sure to send her some get well wishes, too.
rock on!

the kid is alright

two weeks ago i started teaching at the new job. it's been good so far. the week before that, when i went in to do paperwork, find my workspace, etc. it was awful. i'm learning that things are just done differently here. i was taking things kind of personal, but i shouldn't have been. i really love my colleagues A & L. they are just honest, straightforward, no-shit-taking people. those are the kinds of folks i really love.
everyone is in love with ainsley. everyone. i wish i had that effect on a few select men. keanu reeves to be exact. no kidding! i love riding the subway and seeing all these people break out in a big grin when they see her. just seconds before they were walking around in their "new york bubble" just trying to get from point a to point b without being fucked around or over, then BAM! there's ainsley and her "the world is a shiny happy lovely wonderful place and i love you SO MUCH!" attitude. it makes me feel good that my little muttmeister can make a few smiles each day. of course there are some asshoolios who are just ignorant and i try my best to just ignore them. i don't wear the bionic ear on the commute in the AM so that's easy then and i'm considering not wearing on the commute back in the evenings if i get another smartassed comment from someone who doesn't want to hear anything but the sound of their own voice. ainsley is a service dog--much like a seeing eye or guide dog, she alerts me to sounds that i cannot or don't hear. she is protected under access laws like civil rights legislation, animal/pet legislation, and disability specific legislation. she CAN go anywhere with me include in food establishments, transportation, etc. i have a feeling that i will be taking my place on the soap box to educate people and organizations about the access rights of service animals and their owners and trainers. i have run into a couple incredibly alarming situations at one particular local retail establishment. they will be hearing from me at the local and corporate levels.
i have been making an effort to become more informed and knowledgable of the transportation options and i've toyed around with various commuting options. i will continue to do that as time goes on. in fact, i plan to try a different commute at least once next week to see how it goes. so far, the commute isn't bad. it can be a long wait at certain times, but there are different options that i have not been aware of and i'm sure there are other options that i'm still not aware of. ainsley does great on the commute. she is completely unaffected by it all. she is taking all this change and all this excitement in stride. she is having to adjust to seeing more dogs being walked and packs of dogs being walked by dog walkers--an uncommon sight for us. i'm also having trouble at the local dog park. all the male dogs have been clamoring to gang bang my sweet pup. the owners have decided that i am an idiot who is bringing a dog in heat to the dog park and that i am just asking for trouble. wrong. ainsley was fixed years ago. she has the scar to prove it. unfortunately because she is so submissive, she won't communicate to the gang bangers to knock it off already. i think park of her thinks it is a big game because she can make them chase her (which she LOVES!). as long as they are not hurting her and none have penetrated (gawd that sounds so disgusting!)--she won't make a sound or nip or bark or growl or anything. we may have to go to a different dog park all together since i have heard from two people that their male dogs did not hump other dogs until they started going to this park. poor ainsley.
while at work, i havewalked ainsley down to central park a few times since there are green spots and dirt spots around trees in the sidewalks in that direction--hence places where she will "potty" or "hurry" as the command is for us. she loved central park and i am checking out different sections of it online to check out during our long days in the city. i'm also trying to figure out a quick route to carl schurtz (sp?) park where there is a supposedly a nice dog park.
i steered clear of the city yesterday and today due to a taxi strike and fashion week at bryant park. as i become more comfortable with my surroundings, i will extend my comfort zone little by little in the city. i have not seen any famous people yet, but my mother called me and told me that brad pitt and his daughter were in central park the same day that i was walking ainsley there. see. now my mother is a celeb-watcher because her daughter works in nyc!
my new apartment is really an old old place but it has character and it is cheap for the area. i got rid of a lot of my belongings prior to moving here--perhaps more than i should have, but i actually feel quite refreshed and less stressed with fewer belongings since that means less clutter and less chaos. things are slowly coming together and i am having to pinch my pennies until my first payday, but this experience is teaching me to live with less and to live more simply. there is still some work to be done to fix up the apartment (painting, fixing, cleaning, etc), but i am comfortable and safe. those are the most important factors.
i am looking forward to my first real guest in november. my friend susan will be coming to cheer on a scottish friend in the NYC marathon. as luck would have it, my cousin's wife, jamy, will also be running the marathon. we will all get together and have a blast i am sure. susan is always so much fun.
i have made a decision about a few things in my life that will change many things drastically, but i also know that the changes will be for the very best. in the days and weeks and months that follow, i am focusing on living and not hiding. this has become a struggle for me. it has, over the past few years, become much easier for me to withdraw and hide from life and living and from engaging with others. i don't want to continue like this. i want to be ME. the real me. the me that is engaging, curious, and all about experiencing the world. i am in the center of the universe (or at least a few miles from there) so it would be criminal if i didn't take advantage of the opportunity.
dear friends and readers, i'll be posting more regularly now that i've settled into my new life a little bit. i'm looking forward to getting feedback from you all on things i need to do and see here on the east coast and in NYC. i'm clueless, so clue me in!

driftin'

so i left indiana today. heading to jersey.
nice drive today. finish up tomorrow with a few stops along the way to see some interesting things.
speaking of interesting things.......i got to meet a long time internet friend briefly today. she's as beautiful and charming and down to earth in person as i could have ever imagined her being.
i honestly felt weird. i didn't want to meet her. why? because of my appearance. i've gained tons of weight (pun intended), recently went with a very "butch" kinda buzzcut hairdo, and opted for some ill fitting weird-assed pants which i bought in the largest size i could find thinking that i'd need it to cover my humongeous ass and gut. for some reason i'm not all that thrilled that they are too big. go figure.
i talked to my california cousin on the phone during a bit of the drive. she's such a nut. i love her to pieces. she and her husband are two of my favorite people in the world. they love animals and have an ever expanding animal baby brood. i'm so jealous!
i talked to my mama, too. we talk a lot more than we used to. i would say that we actually have a relationship, whereas, i'm not so sure we have ever had a real relationship in the past. better late than never, for sure.
tomorrow i continue my trek eastward. i think that i might take a detour here and there since i found out that my apartment may not be completely ready by tomorrow night. my landlord wants everything to be completed and nice for me. he seems like a straight up kinda guy. of course, i've been horribly wrong about people in the past, so who knows?
ainsley is enjoying everything in her typical ainsley way. some days i really wish i was a golden retriever.

mo' love monday

it's that time again, dear blog friends. time to spread a little love on monday. today, i'm highlighting another new-to-me blog. mean teacher is in my home state of mississippi and she's pretty much a hoot. go check her out and leave a little love in her comments. her post today is quite cute and refreshing.

spread the love ya'll!

he's a yankee doodle dandy.

my nephew, jason, and his wife, leslie, welcomed their first child yesterday! the fourth of july no less! welcome to the big bright world Eli ! my brother says this doesn't make him a grandpaw but a "Big Daddy". we'll let him phrase it however he wants to phrase it. ;-)

ch-ch-ch-changes

whew. friggin' boy it's been a long week. the weekend will be a long one too considering how close finals week is. i have several final group projects and final papers to grade/finish grading in order to stay on top of the influx of even more final papers next week.

this week has not only been hectic, but stressful mainly because i haven't been able to sleep much AND the wind shifted directions again, thereby resulting in another icky sinus allergy flare up. such fun! *eye roll*.

i had some wonderful moments with some of my favorite students this week. i'm even more certain that i am doing what i am supposed to be doing AND i am evolving ever closer to who and what i am supposed to be in this life.

the synchronicity theme seems to be continuing in many areas of my life. i really should blog a bit more about this and how it is affecting me and my relationships (both personally & professionally).

the closer graduation gets, the more people are sending regrets that they will not be able to attend. i guess nothing ever really changes. my mother is the only one who will be there thus far. i'm sure that she and i will have a blast. the older we both get, the better we seem to get along and the better we seem to understand one another.

i'm excited about the coming changes in my life. i feel that i am experiencing life and all its ups and downs in a whole new lght. i've made a committment to let go of worry and just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to. stress isn't non-existent in my day to day life, but the eztreme stress that nearly shattered me is no longer a part of my life. nothing is so important that i should lose my sanity over. lord knows i have precious little sanity to spare!

this realization that i am maturing, growing, evolving, becoming, actualizing........it is a very odd feeling. i'm not quite sure i could explain it even if i tried. there is a tinge of regret for many reasons and a longing for a life i'll never have, a past that can't be re-written, and lessons learned too late. still, i remind myself that things do and will have a way of working out as they are meant to. there is a purpose to all things, including my life. i just pray that i will have succeeded in fulfilling my purpose here in this life, on this earth, in this realm, before i take my last breath.

start spreadin' the news.............

i'm leaving today (ok, not exactly today but july/august)
i want to be a part of it, New York, New York (yes, the BIG apple)
these vagabond shoes (i need blue suede shoes)
are longing to stray
and make a brand new start of it (oh yeah, talk about NEW)
New York, New York
i want to wake up in the city that never sleeps (this should work out well since i rarely sleep anyway)
to find I'm king of the hill, top of the heap (just so long as it ain't a hill of garbage)
these little town blues
are melting away
i'll make a brand new start of it (brand SPANKIN' new)
in old New York
if I can make it there
i'll make it anywhere
it's up to you, New York, New York