Wednesday, September 26, 2007

get a grip.

tonight i realized that i really need to get a grip. i realized that i can be one incredibly obnoxious bitch. now, the whys of it all don't really matter. what matters is that i know i am in the wrong on certain things and those certain things are in my control to change. what i can't change is the fact that many people will often make snap judgements without appropriate information to base those judgements on. people will think what they will think of me no matter what i do. what can i do about it? not much. people often don't want to hear something that is completely different from what they believe. i'm tired of getting upset to no avail. i'm tired of beating the dead horse. i can't control what others think or believe based on nothing more than observations. why do i allow myself to get so frustrated? why do i allow myself to get so bent out of shape? sometimes i think i just need the attention. as much as i'd like to admit otherwise, i'm lonely. quite often, i feel like a 2 year old who just wants to be heard but no one seems to understand my language so my last resort is to throw a tantrum. then i get attention. certainly not positive attention, but attention nonetheless. at my age, i know that i will live out the rest of my life pretty much alone. i'm not real happy about that, but it is reality. do i want to spend my life struggling to control what people think about me? whether alone or not, the answer is no, not really. i think that i want the same thing that everyone else on this planet wants, happiness. happiness really isn't about who likes you and who respects you and who listens to you and who admires you, is it? i'm doubtful that i'll ever make it to that magical place called "self-acceptance". there are just way too many demons to eradicate. i wonder just how happy can a person be if they never achieve self-acceptance? are their degrees of one that lead to degrees of another? is happiness a more a fluid state of being rather than some goal to be attained? if i want to find the answers, i suppose i should start with getting a grip, huh?


Deana said...

No don't think that way. I didn't get married until I was 39. Martin and I got serious when I was 36. I am lucky in the fact that I think I have always just been happy. There were times in my life when I wasn't but since I was unhappy with myself I just changed what I had done to make me unhappy. We were brought up to have a lot of confidence and self respect and self actualization and I am so grateful to my parents for that. Or maybe it is just all a state of mind and I don't know how to be unhappy...does that make sense? I feel guilty when I am not happy....or ungrateful might be a better word. And don't get me wrong...I constantly fret over what will happen to me when something devastating happens and I don't know how to deal with it.

Anonymous said...

Hey....just remember there's an old man down here in TN that loves you....just the way you are.


jac said...

deana, i just wanna hug you to pieces!

UNK, you made me cry! the love is mutual!