Monday, February 27, 2006

fat. it's NOT where's it at.

ok, before anyone starts blasting me for fat-people-bashing, let me make it clear that i am FAT! no, i don’t think i’m fat, i know i am. besides, the scale pretty much makes it unavoidable, as do many other undeniable facts, facts that I’m gonna lay on the table for all to know and see. you probably won’t be able to look at another obese person (woman in particular) without thinking of this post. ever. again.

i’ve been considering posting about all the yucky stuff that you have to endure when you get really fat. why? well….it’s kinda gross and i tend to discuss kinda gross stuff. it is also a little funny, albeit in a sad kinda way. it’s also considered a bit of a taboo topic to discuss, especially if you’re a "fatty". if you're not a "fatty" and you talk about these things, you're seen as being the bad guy or the insensitive clown. well, the truth often hurts. a lot.

now, i do realize that there are lots of people who are overweight, obese, and morbidly obese who have medical conditions and other similar factors that have led to their condition. i am in no way laying blame on anyone, not even the lazy, happy as they are, overweight people. i am, after all, one of the lazy ones, just not very happy as i am.

when you are extremely overweight you tend to sweat. buckets. from places you’d rather not consider sweating from. i’ve kept Johnson & Johnson cornstarch baby powder in the black for quite a while now. you sweat from your pits as most folks tend to do, but also from all the fat rolls you’ve acquired. if you’ve also got dunlap disease (you know… where your belly dun lapped over?), well you also sweat buckets down there too. try your best not to ever sit down for any length of time on a vinyl seat because when you get up, there is gonna be the biggest, most embarrassing butt ‘n cooter print ever. if you do sit on vinyl, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

because of all this excess sweat, you have to be sure to bathe your privates way more frequently because the stink is just rancid. i imagine your privates, like mine, will stink also because you can’t quite reach to make a good, clean wipe. no matter what those charmin bears might have you believe, it takes more than a few sheets of the soft white stuff to effectively clean a larger ass. my suggestion is to invest in the flushable wet wipes—get both the little plastic tub for your home and a travel pack for your purse/office/whatever AND get a shower attachment like the old “shower massage” so you can get up close and personal with your privates. not quite minty fresh, but close.

now what’s more, you have to selectively choose what kind of seating arrangements you have available to you. there are just some seats you are not going to be able to squeeze yourself into. i am so thankful that i no longer have to attend classes with those fold down desk tops. My gut was always tilting the desktop just enough to cause my notebook/pens/whatever to slide off. those flimsy plastic chairs always make me nervous. the scene from shallow hal when the obese gwyneth shattered the chair is never far from my mind.

now, try shopping for clothes. it’s no secret that fat girls prefer to shop for shoes. shoes are not as hard to fit unless you also have very wide feet. it’s hard to find wide width shoes. you usually have to wear some granny shoes or special order your size and pay, almost literally, out your ass. although the majority of American women wear size 14 or larger, they are not adequately represented in clothing stores or department stores. if you wear larger than a 16 or 18 in misses sizes or can only wear women’s sizes, which are cut a little fuller in the “curves”, forget about shopping anywhere else but Lane Bryant or a select few other large sized retail outlets. thank heavens for Lane Bryant, but if you want something a little more conservative, yet dressy, such as an interview suit, you might not find anything appropriate there either. again, you'll find yourself paying top dollar--the kind of dollar you may not currently carry in your wallet.

when you fly coach on any airline, be ready to scrunch yourself into a very small space that is just barely comfortable for a size 10 woman. again, forget about using the little flip over tray if you don’t get a seat with the drop down tray from in front of you. pray you don’t have to go to the bathroom at any time during your flight either; you could very well get stuck in there. how anyone manages to induct themselves into the mile high club in those itty bitty torture chambers escapes me.

other things are both embarrassing and uncomfortable: like having to get up from a sofa by scooching around and rocking & rolling your way up and not being able to reach your feet in order to cut your toenails, clean your toenails, etc. don’t even think about plopping down on the floor of your living room to read the paper, watch TV, play with the kids, etc. because getting up is hell. pure hell.

so you see, it isn’t all happy, jolly, party time when you’re significantly overweight. i truly feel for those who are in the growing group of people who weight 300lbs or more. i can only imagine that their mobility and comfort levels are even worse than mine. i’m not far from that group in poundage either (250). my increasing discomfort, hygiene issues, and embarrassment, has been as much a motivator to lose weight as the resulting health issues that have become increasingly more serious over the past three years: high blood pressure, extremely high bad cholesterol, pre-diabetes, and extremely serious risks for heart attack & stroke.

i know i’ll never again have the body i had at 18, but not a whole lot of almost 40 year olds will. even if i were to attain the weight that i was at 18, i’ll have an excess of yucky stretched out skin in the worst places. hopefully, i’ll hit the lottery big-time and i can afford plastic surgery to remove all the excess, but it’s something i’ll have to learn to live with, if i plan to live much longer.

and that, my dear blog friends, is the skinny on the fat.


chelle said... the straight truth...sing it to my sister!!
Hi Michele sent me...and I giggled through your post!

Linda said...

Brutally honest...I like that. I can relate to some things, but through the eyes of a daughter/niece of obese people. My aunt had that "funk" smell all the time...when I was little I didn't know what it was, it was just her smell. Now that I'm older, I know what it was. She's got all the health issues you mentioned, too...but truly never has done much to change her life.

I'm not "skinny" by any means, but I am fighting the history of obesity in my family...I'm fighting with my life.

ƒåυνέ said...

You know I've been there/done that (and hence have more experience with the items in your post then I care to admit). Just as long as you use this to motivate you and not depress you.

::hugs and smooches::

sophie said...

I was considering the problems of fatness this morning as I worked a bit harder to lace up the shoes than I though was reasonably necessary. I am currently at my all time high and it sucks *big*--hopefully I will be one of the few people in th universe that is able to move to Texas and lose weight!

Leanne said...

I popped over here from Michele's because you spell your name the same as my neighbor/girlfriend, it's really unique.

So here I am, after an evening of failure on my dinner selection, reading and thinking you should come over to my weight loss blog. There are some really neat blogger gals there who have a lot to lose and everyone is so awesome. I turned it into sortof a group therapy bitch-if-you-will thing, you are welcome to stop over. If you get anything out of it, join. Just thought I'd throw it out there. You can get to P2G through my blog, if you wanna. :)

Mrs_Immortal said...

ok, I laughed and snorted after reading about the butt and cooter prints on the vinyl.

Unfortunately, I can relate.

Im Chele In [dot] LA said...

I am with you sistah...........
Its all good though............
I just got a job that I have to move my ass and its really made a difference.....

Malinda777 said...

One of my best friends EVER must weigh close to 300. She is a vibrant red-head with a beautiful face and a bubbly personality. I've seen the facts and she gets some REAL BABES for dates. She is funny, cannot change her weight, she makes everyone around her feel lucky to be alive and know her...
"Fatty" sometimes means "Action".

My friend has taught me so much about life I could never thank her enough. Be yourself, and the world will follow with rose petals and love.

Here from Michele