get a grip.

tonight i realized that i really need to get a grip. i realized that i can be one incredibly obnoxious bitch. now, the whys of it all don't really matter. what matters is that i know i am in the wrong on certain things and those certain things are in my control to change. what i can't change is the fact that many people will often make snap judgements without appropriate information to base those judgements on. people will think what they will think of me no matter what i do. what can i do about it? not much. people often don't want to hear something that is completely different from what they believe. i'm tired of getting upset to no avail. i'm tired of beating the dead horse. i can't control what others think or believe based on nothing more than observations. why do i allow myself to get so frustrated? why do i allow myself to get so bent out of shape? sometimes i think i just need the attention. as much as i'd like to admit otherwise, i'm lonely. quite often, i feel like a 2 year old who just wants to be heard but no one seems to understand my language so my last resort is to throw a tantrum. then i get attention. certainly not positive attention, but attention nonetheless. at my age, i know that i will live out the rest of my life pretty much alone. i'm not real happy about that, but it is reality. do i want to spend my life struggling to control what people think about me? whether alone or not, the answer is no, not really. i think that i want the same thing that everyone else on this planet wants, happiness. happiness really isn't about who likes you and who respects you and who listens to you and who admires you, is it? i'm doubtful that i'll ever make it to that magical place called "self-acceptance". there are just way too many demons to eradicate. i wonder just how happy can a person be if they never achieve self-acceptance? are their degrees of one that lead to degrees of another? is happiness a more a fluid state of being rather than some goal to be attained? if i want to find the answers, i suppose i should start with getting a grip, huh?

what i really meant to say............

i would absolutely love to just scream at the top of my lungs "fuck off!" to quite a few people in my little world today. it really is a bitch when you have to be diplomatic and refrain from such verbal barrages. someday, i will be an old woman and i will scream "fuck off!" to everyone who pisses me off and will blame it on being senile. then i'll get away with it. i can't wait to get old.

z's please.

those who know me well know that i suffer (and i don't use that word lightly) from recurrent bouts of insomnia. i cycle through different types of sleep problems, not just one kind (i.e. trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep, trouble maintaining a set sleep cycle, etc.). trust me when i say that i have tried nearly everything to no avail, or, more importantly, no sustained avail. lately, i have stumbled across a few posts or online articles that address possible solutions to this problem. i forget how i found this site, perhaps through blog bouncing, but Pzizz is a site that has some sound effect stuff that is supposed to help you get to sleep easier. there was another site referenced by lifehacker on how to get better sleep.
keep yer fangers crossed for me.