Wednesday, January 23, 2008

she is me.

i've written (and, yes, talked, talked, talked) about "synchronicity" many times before. i keep coming back to it in one way or another. there seems to be a common thread, or themes, that run through my life (actually my world) at any given moment--things that stand out for me--things i tend to notice and hence, think about.
the most recent common thread has been the issue of depression--clinical depression, the kind you take happy pills for. i've taken notice that several of the blogs that i like the most are written by people who deal with clinical depression in some form or another in their daily lives. several acquaintances that i admire and respect have shared that they deal with clinical depression. family members have shared with me that they have been dealing with clinical depression. many other little things have been noticed in my world as pertaining to clinical depression.
i think i've dealt with clinical depression and anxiety for my entire life. i think that i managed for the most part like most of us do--by just being and doing the only way i knew how. yeah my life and my behavior was pretty much fucked the hell up--no denying that at all. i actually tried several times to get help but no one really seemed to take me seriously. i've been suicidal more than once. more than twice. more than three times. i've been dangerously close to being homicidal as well. it ain't a pretty picture, that's for sure. i've used alcohol and drugs to numb myself--or maybe i was just trying to obliterate myself? i currently find myself using food and sleep to avoid addressing my depression related issues.
i was formally diagnosed with chronic and recurring major depression in 2002 after i moved to wisconsin to begin my doctoral studies. i finally got some help from people who were willing to listen to me and show me what my options were. i finally got some happy pills. i went through phases when i thought, "well, hell, i don't need them happy pills no more! i'm managing my depression just fine thank you very freakin' much". i'd be ok for a while, then BAM! the black curtains would fall again. now i realize that i will always have to "deal with depression". i know that i will have to monitor my triggers and really pay attention to my own coping behaviors. i know that i will always have to deal with the not wanting to be a part of this world--meaning wanting to not be alive, not wanting to be an active participant in society, or just wanting to be invisible. my view of the future is not real bright, but it is, dear friends and readers, damned realistic. i'm sure i'll either kill my ownself and burn in whatever hell turns out to be for eternity or i'll be in one of those really not-nice government run care facilities blubbering incoherently into my pureed peas and tugging at my super absorbent Depends. you have to be depressed to believe such a thing huh? maybe.
i hadn't talked much about how i deal with depression here, or with others. i'm not real good at letting people in and getting close to me. i panic when they do get too close me and i'll do something (usually really horrible) to get them to move the fuck away from me.
i don't have relationships. it's easier that way.
i want to change, but at the same time, it's easier to stay where i am. this way, i know what to expect for the most part, sleeping to avoid the world, and dreaming up "projects" to occupy my attention.
i'm not "unhappy". that's not the same thing as depression. i'm fairly satisfied with my life as it is at the moment and i have goals for my future both personally and professionally. i'm just always going to have that dark, shadowy, brooding siamese twin attached at the hip. i cannot deny her or be rid of her completely. she makes things a little different. she sometimes colors the lense through which i perceive my world. she is me.


Arwen said...

I started writing something about relating to you and such, but every person experiences depression in his/her own way and so I can't relate to how you feel specifically. But, I can relate how I feel to how you feel. I think it's similar. For me, I deal with severe mood swings and being realistic about it is at the very essence of dealing with it. Thanks for sharing this with us and letting us in a bit to the world as you see it.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Very brave post, Jac...I applaud you for your courage in sharing all these inner most feelings. You never know who's life you might touch with your honesty and courage....but mostly, I applaud you for sharing so very much of yourself here on your blog with all of us.
Thank You for trusting us, my dear!

Anonymous said...

Call me anytime if you need to talk.

You know I love you....


Deana said...

Naomi is right, this is a brave post. You've really put yourself out there. I've had friends with anger issues that needed managing, friends with clinical depression, bipolar....I've been lucky. Only during PMS have I ever felt like I didn't want to be here anymore. That one day is enough for me. I can't imagine living with that cloud day in and day out. Anxiety I had never had issues with until I quit smoking. Now if I start and get to far I just can't stop the process on my own. No amount of breathing or quiet can stop me so I have Ativan on hand. I would tick until I felt like I'd just blow up. And I do have alot of sleep anxiety and disorders. I try to only take it (Ativan) when I have to have it.
I used to get so mad at my best friend because I'd say "You don't even try to be happy...why can't you just have fun? How could you not want to live?" I did not undertand that it was a disease and she just couldn't help it. She still lives with a sadness about her soemtimes but medication does help and we've learned the hard way that just because you think you're better you can't stop taking it.
I hope things get better for you, I really do.

Kelly said...

I am at such a loss for words.

Even in this vulnerable state you are so amazing.

I am such a big fan.