late bloomer

born early. bloomed late. never did quite “get it” in life. i made more mistakes but thankfully, i learned from most of them. i didn’t have the guidance in life that some people had. there are simple things that i am still learning this late in the game, that maybe would have served me well to know 20 years ago.

now, easing up on 40, i want to have a child. actually, two. i have such a strong desire to have these children that i am willing to seek non-traditional, though not necessarily taboo, means to conception. i am willing to be a single parent by design. i am willing to take the leap into “full-force-grown-up” to have the life i’ve thus far believed that i never deserved, much less could have. of course, there are preparations to be made.

i never wanted to be an “older mom”. i actually gave up on the concept of becoming a mother at all. i always thought i had to do things the “respectable” way—wife then mother. i’m coming to a place that i realize that isn’t always the only way. as i’m growing in age, i’m also maturing. my roots are spreading, thus giving me a sense of stability that was lacking before. my perspective of the world, and of life, is becoming clearer, less distorted. the puzzle pieces are beginning to fall into place. not all the pieces are even available to me yet, but i’ve managed to find a place, finally, where i can wait patiently, even contentedly, yet not idly, for the pieces to arrive.

about 7 years ago, someone told me that i was 16 in my heart and in my mind, because i was just awakening from a past that had been an emotional prison. no truer words were ever spoken.