the nonessentials

movin' out.

2009-01-06T00:48:00.002-05:00

i love that billy joel song, movin' out (anthony's song) particularly this verse:

You should never argue with a crazy mi mi mi mi mi mind
You ought-a know by now
You can pay Uncle Sam with the overtime
Is that all you get for your money
And if that's what you have in mind
Then that's what you're all about
Good luck movin up cause I'm movin out

well i'm doin' just that: movin' out. well kinda. i mean this little corner of the interwebs will still be here. for now. i'm just craving a fresh, new start. i hope you'll feel the urge (and heed said urge) to follow me over to the new digs. you might like the place. it might take a little bit of getting used to, but i think it'll be pretty cool.

please come visit. often & long. my BIGlittle world is my new personal blog where you can check me out on a regular basis. i've also cracked open a couple of newer blogs with a much different focus than this here personal one (or the newer personal one). i guess you could say i'm branching out with sharing my ideas and thoughts. while i wouldn't pretend to think that i'm an important person, i do believe that what i have to say and what i hope to represent in this world can be of some value to someone. you can find the links to my new blog-ventures at myBIGlittleworld. i hope you'll take just a few minutes to check them all out.

see it. be it.

2008-12-31T02:51:00.005-05:00

on this last day of 2008, many people are thinking about, talking about, or avoiding the age old ritual of new year's resolutions. most folks plan to lose weight or stop smoking/drinking. those are the most popular new year's resolutions. most of the same folks lose their momentum sometime around february 1st or shortly after the super bowl game, whichever comes first and it's no wonder with all the beer, nachos, and burger ads. the reason most folks fail at keeping their new year's resolutions is not because they are stupid, lazy, or gullible (although some may, indeed be all three). they fail because they never quite get past the setting the resolution stage. they never set up a game plan for succeeding.
looking back at the goals i have accomplished and those that i have failed to accomplish, there is indeed a common thread. those goals that i managed to accomplish were goals that i planned out step by step. i figured out what steps i needed to take to be successful. i considered what obstacles i might face and how to overcome them. i considered a plan B, plan C, and vowed to be flexible in case there was a need for a plan D. but most importantly, i imagined myself being successful. i utilized the power of the human mind (and i'm living proof that little can indeed be large when it comes to brain power).
most successful people will tell you that it takes visualizing the end result to get to the end result. if you cannot imagine yourself being successful, you are less likely to be successful. ask any top notch successful athlete or entrepreneur and they will tell you that visualization is definitely a factor in increasing your probability for success.
i often refer to the practice of visualization as playing a self-made movie in my head. is it any wonder that i harbor fantasies of being an actress? you get to make up the script, the wardrobe, the lighting, the cinematography, set design, everything! and you can even alter details on a whim and in a split second--or less. you get to be the hero (or the bad guy, if that's your kinda thing). i like the little movies in my head far better than some authentic hollywood products these days. of course, serial killers often used the power of visualization to, ahem, acheive their goals.
now i'm not saying that you'll definitely be successful if you sit around daydreaming all day about landing an incredible job, hooking up with that hot guy/girl, or getting super fit. no see dude, you actually have to DO the thing you picture yourself doing. the visualization part makes you more comfortable in doing it, helps you improve your actual skills in doing whatever you need to be doing, & reinforces progression to a positive outcome. that nike ad really did have something going for it you know?
so, as ya'll get ready to throw yourselves into the new year with new plans, goals, and aspirations, remember that you can help yourself become successful by picturing yourself actually being successful. and how cool is that?

*check out this google search on visualization to help you locate helpful resources for your particular goals.

house.

2008-12-30T18:33:00.003-05:00

This is a really interesting online test. It's based on the Draw-A-House test.... well it IS the Draw-A-House test. I'm not sure the results are entirely accurate for me, but who knows...I'm always learning something new about myself and the world around me. Here's what my results said:

Based on your drawing and the 10 answers you gave this is a summary of your personality:
Your house tells the world that you ought to be a leader. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes.

You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be.

You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.

Your turn! If you click this link you will be able to draw a house too and see what your drawing says about your personality. When you have drawn your house it will be added to my street, Pleasant Cove, which is a collection of all the houses drawn by people I know.

now i'll be hearing kim carnes singing in my head for a week. or more.

2008-11-17T02:19:00.002-05:00

i got this from Secret Agent Josephine . kinda cool since it was only 2 questions. short & sweet.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.
* Be confident, strong, and direct.
* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
* Give me space to be alone.
* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant
* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
* being courageous, straightforward, and honest
* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
* never forgetting injuries or injustices
* putting too much pressure on myself
* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
* are sometimes loners
* seize control so they won't be controlled
* figure out others' weaknesses
* attack verbally or physically when provoked
* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
* are sometimes overprotective
* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz

inner peace.

2008-11-14T00:48:00.002-05:00

it's been a hectic week. really.
yet in the midst of the fast pace and the craziness, i'm finding more of me. i'm becoming more and more centered and balanced. i'm trying to see beyond the surface to the truth. lately, it seems that i have these sort of epiphanies -- or maybe they are really psuedo-epiphanies. is there really such a thing?
at any rate, i don't want to get all spiritual and mystical on ya'll, but it's true--in the middle of all this frenzy i'm finding the calm.
must be one big effin' storm on the way.

change.

2008-11-05T09:15:00.002-05:00

tuesday, november 5, 2008 will definitely go down in history as one of the greatest days of our time. change has certainly come to america and the world. while i did not support our new president elect with my own vote for my own reasons, i was indeed moved by the moment. the record turn outs proved that each vote really does count. i hope that this shows many others that they, too, should vote because they DO have a voice in our government. i am indeed proud to be an american. i am proud to have witnessed another barrier broken.
i am still concerned about what happens now. i am one who can be moved and affected by words, but for whom actions are key indicators of true intention. i will wait. i will watch. i will support and i will celebrate, but i will insist that our president be held accountable for his words and his actions. i am hopeful. cautiously hopeful.
i want to break out in dance and song (not a pretty sight for onlookers i'm certain) to celebrate one more barrier broken, and yet at the same time, i know that this historical moment cannot overshadow the realities of the world of politics. barak obama is a politician, no matter how different he may present himself to the world. our society asks, no demands, that politicians please all the people all the time. this is an impossible task. i know that there will be times that i agree with our new administration and there will be times that i disagree, as with all administrations that i have followed in my adult life. now is the time to set aside differences and disagreements and work for improvements for ALL americans.
preseident-elect obama said that he hears even my voice and that he is dedicated to being my president, too. my hope is that he will be my president by his actions, not just his title. my hope is that he fulfills his campaign promises and that my fears of what is to come will be quelled.
congratulations mr. obama. congratulations america. thank you mr. mccain for your graceful and respectful concession speech. thank you all who voted in this election to prove that each and every voice really does count.

addition.

2008-10-24T12:23:00.003-04:00

our new addition is settling in just fine. it's been 24 hours since we picked her up and she seems to have accepted us. us being me, ainsley, & petey.
i'm just letting her get used to things while letting her know the new boundaries here.
i just found out she makes a mean fart for such a little dog.
you can find her pictures at my flickr account.
i did decide to change her name from hattie-belle to orie. it was my grandmother's name.

dilemma. (i kannut spul. i has phd)

2008-10-20T11:23:00.003-04:00

the hair. it sucks. i'm trying to grow it out and i'm at one of those truly sucky growing out stages. god help me but i really wouldn't mind going back to the super-short razor cut i had previously.

with a little teeny headband. natural curls.

without the headband. natural curls.

without the headband. curls smoothed out a little bit.

i think i'll play around with the flat iron tomorrow morning. or i'll get my hair cut. maybe.

chill.

2008-10-19T10:34:00.002-04:00

this morning the air was definitely chilled. my outdoor thermometer (an old fashioned type one) says 45 degrees although it feels much chillier than that. i think it's officially fall and i love it. so does petey. he's escaped this morning and is stalking around in the yard. he comes to the door to peek as if to say "neener neener neener!" before dashing off to stalk all manner of invisible creatures. he's such a goob.

yesterday, ainsley and i went to central park for the "my dog loves central park country fair" and had a blast. she wore her vest and was very good the whole time. ok well except for that one time she and noah and the other cci dog (acre i think is his name--something like that anyway). ok maybe it was more than once, but i digress. she was wonderful as usual. she had her picture taken with Clifford the Big Red Dog. she really liked clifford. we scored some big time schwag--even some schwag for petey! we also saw more dogs in once place than i have ever seen in my entire lifetime. it was crazy wild in a good way. we saw big dogs, little dogs, in between dogs, working dogs, playing dogs, dressed up dogs, naked dogs, all kinda dogs! it was awesome! it made me kinda warm and fuzzy inside to realize that so many new yorkers are dog people! :-)

i talked to many of my family members this week which was really nice. i don't get enough time to just catch up anymore and i got to do that with my two aunts and two of my cousins. i'll be seeing aunt cookie and uncle butch when i go down to alabama/florida for a wedding this coming halloween weekend, which is, incidentally, also my birthday weekend. i got my uncle butch a cool gift just for the hell of it and my aunt cookie's birthday is coming up the weekend prior to the trip. i've gotten her a pretty cool gift also. so cool i wanted to keep it for myself :-) but i won't.

speaking of gifts, my aunt kat sent me an early birthday present. i wore it to central park yesterday. it is maroon and says "southern girl" on the front and on the back it says "southern girls love their bulldogs". my alma mater is miss. state university and the bulldogs are our mascot.

and speaking of mascots, sort of, i met some really nice people at the canine companions for independence (CCI) booth at central park yesterday. CCI is the agency that bred, raised, and trained ainsley. ginger is a lady who lives on long island and is acre's partner. (there will be pictures later on my flickr page). she was so nice and sweet. i enjoyed talking with her. another lady, alice is a puppy raiser and her neice, eve, was with her and her released puppy. sweet ladies. i really appreciate puppy raisers for all they do because if it weren't for puppy raisers like alice and eve, i wouldn't have my ainsley. i also met lisa, one of the trainers at the CCI northeast regional center. she and one of the dogs were working very hard giving out brochures and speaking with fair-goers. she was very nice and helpful. if you know me, i really like meeting interesting and nice people. if you're a jackass, not so much. (yes, i have picked up that phrase which i abhor! i think it is a yankee thing, i dunno).

speaking of jackasses, kinda. a little girl (about 9 i would guess) got stuck in the lavatory on the train as we were waiting for departure at penn station. her dad kinda pissed me off. at first he was really pushy and mean with her before she went into the rest room. i just didn't like his attitude with her. she waited her turn to the lav and went in, then she couldn't get the door to open. it must be soem kind of complicated button & lever mechanism, but she couldn't figure it out and she paniced. initially, her dad was upset at her and he seemed to be embarrassed by the whole situation and he seemed to be embarrassed by her. he kept yelling at her through the door to keep trying to open the door etc. eventually, the guy started panicing too. he got on the emergency intercom and was trying to get train personnel to come help his daughter. all the while, i might add, people were pouring onto the train as boarding was going on and this goober dad was running around (almost stepping on ainsley a few times--which woulda been bad for him) yelling and just generally not keeping his shit together. the train started moving and she was still stuck. she was crying and she was really freaking out. my seat in the disabled seating area was right across from the door to the lav so that's how i witnessed all this shit so clearly. several other male passengers tried to get the door open but it wouldn't work and they tried to talk elizabeth (the little girl) through opening the door, but she was just too freaked out. finally, a train conductor (a really really hot dude, by the way) showed up and he managed to get the door open. there stood little elizabeth, a beautiful little girl with dark curly hair, all red-faced and crying. what did her dad do immediately? no he didn't hug his little girl or try to comfort her in any way. he just lit right into the conductor yelling at him about them not getting there immediately to help him. the whole time, elizabeth was just standing there trying not to cry. i took her hand and had her come sit in my seat and let her love on ainsley a little bit, and talked to her to help her calm down. it didn't take much to help calm her down but of course it was me doing this and not her dad, who should have been doing it. now i realize that he was freaked out but his first priority should have been his daughter. he didn't even ask her if she was ok or reassure her or anything! and at the same time, i can readily admit that, not to long ago, that would have been me, only worse, in reacting to a stressful event like that. so i can understand how he was feeling and how he could have reacted the way he did. i also realize that elizabeth will always remember his lack of concern for her. i couldn't help but wonder if he treats her like that in general.

anyway.

i do need helpful advice if anyone has any (or just plain old advice is fine, too). i have been researching iphone VS. blackberry as i want to upgrade. i'm also trying to figure out do i want to get different devices for different functions or do i want the most all-in-one device there is. anyone have an opinion? for example, do i want to get a phone that covers the phone/email bases and then get a separate mp3 player for music, podcasts, and videos? i was even thinking i could keep my current phone (the fairly new NV2 banged up as it is) and get an ipod touch or other ipod for music, podcasts, games, etc. basically, i need access to email, phone, and calender in a phone. i have become very dependant upon my gps navigation service through my current (and previous) phone models so that would be something i'd like to keep. i heavily use my phone's calender feature, but i would really prefer to have something that would sync with my google calenders so i have just one interface rather than two separate interfaces for my calenders (personal, teaching, administrative, etc). it's easy for something to get lost in the shuffle there.
i've already done one of those pre-approval things for an iphone 3g, but do i really want to take that plunge? my current service is with verizon. another option, maybe, is the new tiny little ultra mobile pc from asus. i saw them in target last week. i don't know what features it has or what the true functionality of it is, but it's there. it might be a possible alternative.
anyone? bueller? bueller? bueller?

3 day weekend.

2008-10-14T09:36:00.002-04:00

back to work today after a three day weekend. as per my usual, i accomplished 80% of what i intended to do in the last 20% of the weekend (3-day or not). at least my yard is mowed, cleaned up, new plants are situated (although not planted), new psuedo-king bed (2 twins butted against each other in a king frame with a king mattress pad & cover) is set up, dishes are washed, clothes are washed, rugs are vacuumed, and i'm sure there's stuff i did that i forgot i did that should be on that list.
also saturday i babysat a friend's 7 mo old gsd puppy (luna) and in order to keep her extremely tired for the whole night, i took the dogs hiking at south mountain. ainsley had a friggin' blast running through the woods, bouncing up the hills, chasing other dogs, and (YES) swimming in the creek! luna had to stay on-leash because i had no idea how she'd react. she was awesome! she had such a good time. she was so funny and cute and listened to me so well! she's growing up! i took them to south mtn off-leash dog park afterwards and they played more. we then drove around taking a bit of a scenic drive before heading home and sacking out by the firepit in the yard. i really enjoyed seeing the fall colors especially the blazing reds mixed in with the yellows and greens.
took ainsley to brookdale dog park the next day after walking around our neighborhood. she was so tired she didn't play too much.
today, i am the one who is tired before the day has even started.
happy tuesday!

true & funny. really, really funny.

2008-10-10T09:20:00.002-04:00

i've been reading danny at dad gone mad for a while now and almost always get his stuff. i do have my off days y'know. danny doesn't seem to have off days. ever. well. even his off days are documented in a way that makes you wish it had been you. sometimes.
go read danny's post yesterday about atonement .

boil.

2008-10-09T21:26:00.003-04:00

politics may be the most prominent topic on most people's minds right now. i refuse to write about it here, but trust me, i do think about it. i just get so frustrated when i listen to all the arguing, mud-slinging, and judgment calls on both sides of the so-called political aisle. i can feel my blood begin to boil. i'm not interested in my blood boiling right now.
so ya'll just carry right on.

hump day

2008-10-08T19:40:00.003-04:00

i'm glad it's hump day, but it doesn't seem like it should be wednesday already. i have way too much stuff to get done and nowhere near the appropriate amount of time in which to do it.

i posted a bunch of new pictures on my flickr account so go check 'em out if you want.

here's looking at a long and seemingly endless weekend to come.

plans.

2008-10-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

for some people planning comes naturally. for others, it is a necessity, perhaps only for the preservation of their own sanity. for me, i struggle with it in many ways and in others, it is the focus of all my energy. in more plain words, i tend to be a dreamer who shies away from making responsible preparations for the future.

this has certainly got to change.

strength.

2008-10-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

with each passing day, i find more strength where i least expected to find it.
in myself.

i <3 my brudder

2008-10-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

i always looked up to him.
i always will.
i always needed him.
i always will.
i always loved him.
i always will.

happy birthday brother.

10-4.

2008-10-04T08:00:00.000-04:00

what is the message that life, the universe, God, fate, whatever seems to be sending to you today?

silence.

2008-10-03T08:00:00.000-04:00

sometimes i sit in silence and listen.
then i realize there really isn't a silence at all.
the little things i don't notice are all up in the silence.
they just get a little rambunctious when i'm paying attention to the quiet and not the noise.
funny thing.

ponder.

2008-10-02T08:00:00.000-04:00

"everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it" -- confucius

what do you think of this quote?

where the hell did september go?

2008-10-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

ok i just cannot believe that september has come and gone that fast. it just isn't right. time does not necessarily fly in the presence of fun, because while fun has been had this past month, it has not been the majority activity. *sigh*

what's in the works for your october? are you looking forward to ghosts and goblins at month's end? are you looking forward to fall festivals and fairs, not to mention cooler weather? i personally am looking forward to the day that it is chilly enough to relish a bowl of hot homemade veggie soup with a piece of cornbread (not them damn corn "muffins" the yankees seem to believe are the same thing).

so what's your favorite thing about october?

crack!

2008-09-30T22:25:00.003-04:00

so. about 2 weeks ago i twisted my foot some kinda funny way and it was hurting. pretty darn bad. but i kept on keeping on because, as you all know, i'm oh so busy. so here it is, 2 weeks later and it ain't feeling much better so i got a friend to take me to one of them there immediate care clinics--you know, not quite ER and not quite a bonafide doctor's office. well looks like i've been crunching around on a severe sprain and thus rendered it inflammed. at least it isn't a stress or hairline fracture as i was suspecting. the doc gave me permission to take aleve every 12 hours, charged me up the wazoo for a compression thing for my foot & ankle, and told me to come back in a week if it wasn't better.
oh and see, i've been without my vehicle because my brakes went out about the time that i eff'ed up my foot so i've been walking to the train station (1.5 miles) two times a week to go to work. i was eating tylenol rapid release tablets like they was candy. dude. i had friends pick me up at night since it was usually kind of late when i got in.
i go to pick up my truck tomorrow (hopefully) and part with more of my hard earned cash. (boo-hoo). i think i'm gonna start walking to the train station when the forecast is for decent weather. i can always call a friend or catch a cab if the weather is frightful or it's super scary late.
i've done a great deal of cleaning in the basement and some progress has been made on the "decor" of "le cottage". photographic evidence will surely follow at some point in the unforseeable future.
someone i love and respect so very much is having some extremely serious health issues and i hope that those few readers that i do have will keep my uncle butch in their thoughts and prayers. he needs every little bit that he can get. he's most definitely one of the good ones. that i guarantee.

scent-sational

2008-09-22T22:34:00.004-04:00

update: so i drug all the furniture from the downstairs living room onto the patio. it looks like i'm having a garage sale or fixin' to start a big assed bon-fire! the latter of which is not such a bad idea at this point. i have figured that the source of the scent is the sofa. the chair and the chaise--not so much, but the sofa...as soon as i took it out of the living room i could tell the difference. so i've coated the sofa in as much Natures Miracle Odor & Stain Remover junk as i could (as much as i had) and then tossed on a little Febreze Pet Odor Eliminator just for safe measure. the covers for all the upholstered items have been washed and dried. they look and smell just fabulous, tyvm.
now the problem is this: what if all that de-odorizing doesn't work? do i toss a perfectly good except for the smell sofa that goes with the chaise and chair? toss sofa, sell rest? have it professionally cleaned? have it reupholstered? good lord i don't have time for all this! someone help me! i'm drowning in stuff i don't wanna deal with!!!!! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh............

ok. i really don't like being extra sensitive to smells. especially when it smells like cat or dog piss. and especially when i cannot locate the source of said smell.
i've stripped all the covers from the sectional to throw in the wash. the cushions are all outside airing out. i've used nearly a full bottle of Febreze Extra-Strength on the cushions, sectional, rug, and other crap in the living room.
oh and reckon i should start dating again?

how cats can make you do things you don't really have a strong desire to do.

2008-09-17T11:14:00.004-04:00

so, yesterday afternoon, i was working away in my new home office location when i happened to look up and look out the window. what did i see? my crazy yellow cat walking down the sidewalk to the house next door. so, naturally, i called after him through the open window (it was nice a breezy yesterday). he started walking down our driveway towards the gate, so i headed down to open the gate. he decided at the last minute he didn't want to come through the gate so i left the gate open and piddled around with the flower beds hoping he'd go ahead and come on back in the yard.
i ended up piddling with the flower beds for about 3 hours or more until everything had been uprooted and moved and replanted. i shit you not.
somewhere towards the end of the 3+ hours, petey decided he was ready to come home but couldn't for the life of him figure out how to get back into the yard from the neighbor's yard. i had to lean over the fence and pick him up by the scruff of his neck (and yes he did have to stretch a good bit towards me so i could even reach him). he was promptly locked inside the house. he sat at the french doors staring out and "meow"-ing.
melanie & noah came over. i haven't seen them in well over a week or more. it was so good to see them. of course, melanie was like "what the heck are you doing?!!!" she always shows up when everything looks its worse. she thinks i'm a total slob.
so that's how i got a whole new, cleaned up, nicer looking set of flower beds against my front fence. i have petey to thank for that :-)

karma: bitter bites or warm caresses.

2008-08-13T23:53:00.004-04:00

Boobs, Injuries, & Dr Pepper is a blog i've been reading for over a year now, maybe longer. i originally was attracted to the blog because crystal, the mama and creator of BIDP, lives in my home state of mississippi. i've learned so much from reading crystal's entries and have come to have great respect for her. recently, a bit of crazy crisis occurred over at the BIDP ranch regarding little miss mini-me of BIDP, virginia.
so crystal's little girl, virginia has been saving all her moolah to buy her very own nintendo ds and was thrilled to be able to buy something of her very own with her own money. remember how that was once upon a time? yeah, i thought so.
after virginia became a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the american consumer population, crystal treated the kids to Red Robin up in the Memphis area. it wasn't a little deal. it was a BIG deal. money's tight for most folks these days and treating a bunch of little ~~heathens~~ angels is getting more and more expensive every day it seems. so anyways, they had a fairly poor experience that escalated to a great big giant circle jerk that resulted in poor virginia being entirely crushed. imagine the poor child crying her eyes out and thinking only of how others were effected by HER actions. i love this kid already. that's saying a lot.
so anyways. crystal and the BIDP crew were pleasantly surprised when the ~~circle-jerkers~~ restaurant people fell all over themselves to make amends of all sorts to little miss virginia and mommy crystal. they did so much that they upped the ante and really WOWed the BIDP crew with their sincerity and commitment to their customers.
now, little miss virginia is wowing them right back and insists on paying ~~back~~ FORWARD all the kindness that she and mama crystal have received from the internets in the wake of this cruel experience. mr paul, a member of our US armed forces, sent little miss virginia a replacement nintendo ds and now little miss virginia wants to literally pay it forward by donating that nintendo ds to a deserving child. if you know of a child who deserves a brand spanking new nintendo ds, check out the link "FORWARD" for details on how to nominate a child.
crystal has been through so much trauma, pain, self-defeat, and agony; yet she focused more on what she could do to help others with her story, how she could turn hell into just a little bit of heaven. it's clear that her little girl has certainly taken on her mama's sensitivity, empathy, and kindness.
all in all, this experience reminds me, as many experiences these days do, that karma can be a bitch or an angel. which one would you rather deal with? your answer should guide your own actions. you really DO reap what you sow.

settling.

2008-08-10T16:08:00.002-04:00

i'm sorry to say that i'm still settling into my new rental home a/k/a The Cottage and recovering from lap-band surgery. yes, you read that right. i moved into the cottage on august 1st and on august 6th, i had lap-band surgery. yesterday was a VERY uncomfortable day for me recovery wise, but i was still out and about and piddling around. i have to be doing something! today, i'm feeling much better and have been able to eat some moist pureed foods. i'll pretty much be on moist, soft foods for 5 weeks. i've already lost 15 lbs as of the day of surgery due to the 2 week pre-op liquid diet. i don't own a scale (yet) so i'm not sure where i'm at right now. my gut is bloated beyond belief due to the air that is squirt into your abdomen for the laparoscopic surgery. i'm finally fartin' & burpin' it all out after eating Gas-X Extra-Strength chewables like they were candy. whew.
i have promised my friends i'd take photos of the new place and all, but i have a really good excuse for not having that done. i can't find my camera. it can't be too far because there are only a few more boxes that i haven't gone through and unpacked. maybe i'll find it tonight and i'll post some stuff up for you.
while i haven't been hungry, i have been thinking about food and one of my flickr faves, splatgirl, has posted some scrumptious photos of recipes she's put together since taking part in her community coop garden this summer. check out splatgirl's photostream to drool over them yourself. while you're there, check out all of her home projects. she's got the coolest house ever and she's incredibly creative. i'm in lust with her handmade bags!

dancing in the rain

2008-07-24T02:00:00.003-04:00

the past few days (oh to be honest it's been the past few WEEKS) have been particularly humid AND hot. mother nature has been quite the tease, sending seductive dark clouds and meandering breezes that just don't quite get right down to the goodness that God gave 'em. Well today was different....finally! Sitting around in the dog park (to Ainsley it is "the people park") we moaned about how humid it was today and looked up at the dark clouds that may or may not hold gallons of cool soothing rainwater just ready to pitter patter on down and cool this old earth off. there was much lighthearted talk about ensuring yourself more good karma by picking up additional poop piles than your dog pooped out, the perils and perks of having a dog that could be considered obsessed==perhaps even autistic, the perils of rescue dogs who were once used as testers in labratories, and, last but not least, about quiqong, positive collaterol impact upon sexual pleasure. you know that was the most animated and exciting conversation i've had the pleasure of witnessing and being a part of it at least on the periphery. finally the heavens opened up and unleashed the most refreshing, cool drops of rain down upon me and my human and canine commrades. while some ran for their umbrellas, i took pleasure in feeling the cool drops fall all over me. it reminded me of how free and easy i was as a kid. i absolutely LOVED playing in the rain and its resulting puddles. today, i had a little glimpse back to that feeling. it was so nice. i can't wait to run out and dance in the nest rainstorm that comes my way!

if it makes you happy, it makes you smile, and it makes your heart just feel full and right, then just do it! don't mope and moan and groan at home under the sheets. get out there and actually DO what gives you joy.

dude!

2008-07-10T00:04:00.003-04:00

2 months. well almost. pretty damned near. gesh! has it REALLY been that long? ok so maybe it has, but i have good excuses.
i'm back and i'm still busy but i've been feeling really guilty for not keeping up with my blog so here i am making an extra effort to say something interesting.
lots has been going on the past two months. nothing life changing or dramatic. it's all good. i'm feeling good about my place in life and where things are going. i guess you could say i'm experiencing some level of zen or flow in my life right now. i'm going to enjoy this feeling while it lasts!

i will be moving in august. i've rented a small 2 bedroom cottage in a town a few miles northeast of here. ainsley will have a little fenced in yard to play in and there is a pretty little patio for outside relaxing. i'm excited about the move and am looking forward to putting down some roots for a change.

cute ain't it?

drive by updating.

2008-05-14T10:55:00.003-04:00

wow. like a whole frickin' month. that's amazing. how'd the time slip by so fast? oh i know! because i was so frickin' BUSY! gesh. lawdhaffmercy.
i'm grading and meeting with students and meeting with colleagues and avoiding pre-registration crisis by the skin of my teeth (who knew that teeth had skin?!) and trying to do some writing and preparing for summer class and working on a manuscript revision and OH! trying to maintain what little sanity i have left (if i ever had any--which is, indeed, questionable).
my nephew is graduating from high school next week. he SO rocks and not only because he's MY nephew but because he's just one of the most talented and sweetest dudes around.
next mama has a birthday! i won't mention how young she is but suffice it to say, she's MY mama therefore she rocks!
then we travel to aunt cookie's to visit. everyone else has been down to visit her new digs but me. she moved to her new place with uncle in tow around about the time i moved to jersey.
then there is summer school. i'm teaching the first summer term AND trying to find a new apartment in the event that i'm unable to reach an agreement with my current landlord. then i'm spending time down home (wayyyyyy down home) visiting family and doing some writing.
ok so like that's the latest from the not-so-greatest. so what's the haps with ya'll?

snip.

2008-04-09T21:47:00.001-04:00

new hair, originally uploaded by jac__.

so. i got my hair cut. finally. it was really lookin gross. gross like slime balls and boogers. ok well maybe not quite that gross, but close enough. so anyways, i had not cut my hair (not even a trim) since i took the clippers to my hair at the end of july 2007. yes i said clippers. you know sorta like britney spears did? only i left a good deal more hair on my head than did britney. so i like it. it's cut short in the back and the front and sides are evened out so they will grow out more evenly. i'll probably keep the back short and grow like a graduated bob --a little longer in front than the back.
notice how i chopped of my chin and neck? yeah? me too. i look better that way. the chin and neck are just so... ewww. actually i have like three chins and no neck. so this cropped picture actually improves my appearance :-)

and you know i was tryin' to do that there NaBloPoMo for April? yeah, you noticed? yeah. well that ain't exactly gonna pan out too well as ya'll can see. there is just way too much going on for me right now and i'll be gone for a week near the end of the month. so, like, yeah. you know? i'm not real consistent on the consistency thing.
ya'll will forgive me. and if you don't. go eat a pickle! dude!

true.

2008-04-06T18:46:00.001-04:00

we goin' to work? , originally uploaded by jac__.

dear ainsley,
i don't remember what life was like without you and i don't want to remember or find out. i love you and i trust you.
always,
me

damage.

2008-04-05T18:32:00.002-04:00

to those i've hurt,
there are some who have hurt me. deeply. there are those whom i have hurt even deeper. the reasons for the aggression, whether physical, mental, emotional, seem to fade away over time. maybe there never really was a valid reason. but it happened just the same. recalling the hurts received and given stings just the same. i feel ashamed for having been the source of pain for people that i cared for, people i didn't really know, people who i used for my own gain. the shame runs deep and long. longer and deeper, i think, than the pain caused to me by others.
i wish that somehow i could take away the hurts and the pains, but still where would that leave any of us? the best i can hope for is that i will no longer cause pain and hurt to those around me or will at the very least keep the intentional hurt to a minimum. damage causes wounds which can eventually scar, but which will be stronger than previous. i can only hope that the damage that i caused others has made them stronger and more resilient. i can only hope that the damage i've caused, had some tiny bit of hope. if i believe, as i often profess, that all things happen for a reason, this may be the case.

will there be regrets?

2008-04-04T23:55:00.000-04:00

The Remains of the Day, originally uploaded by TGKW.

dear me,
when i am old.............i promise myself try to not really give a crap what others thing of me. i want to be one of those strong, spunky, old ladies who says whatever she means. i think i may already be getting there.
i just wonder if, when the time comes, i will be able to deal with the regrets. i have regrets now and i wonder if they will still be with me later. will i be happy and satisfied with the life i've lead or will i still be hurt and confused and regretful of lost opportunities?
my hope is that the horizon will look peaceful while the road behind me has been well travelled and explored.
regrets would, i think, be really hard to deal with if that was all i could see ahead of me or behind me.

why?

2008-04-03T20:50:00.001-04:00

to my abusers,
i have one question for you: “why?”
i don’t believe that you can provide a valid answer. you may not even HAVE an answer. i wonder how you’d feel if the things you did to me were done to your own daughter. what then? i wonder if you realize that karma is real and it really does bite. hard. i wonder if you realize that despite the issues that i continue to deal with, partially because of what YOU did to me, i’m fairly happy with my life. i wonder if you were aware of how deep the scars go. i wonder if you know how your actions and your words affected me, even from so long ago. i wonder if you have a guilty conscience. i wonder if you ever think about it and feel badly. i wonder if you would take it back if you could.
even though i ask, i know i may never know. i can accept that. i have no other choice but to accept it.

me

dude, what were you thinkin?

2008-04-02T22:17:00.002-04:00

to the dude on the PATH train with the music blaring so loud from his headphones that i, a profoundly deaf person, could hear the music and heard somone singing,

dude, you are not gonna be able to hear much of anything in about ten years, if not sooner. don't you want to hear your kids say "da-da" and hear your lover say "i love you"? don't you want to carry your obvious love of music throughout your life?
while i know that the thing to do is to listen to your music, books, whatever on portable music players, i really don't think everyone on the train car really cared to share in your listening pleasures. just sayin'.

i hope you'll turn it down a notch and enjoy it (and your overall hearing health) for a longer period of time.

thanks.
me

nanosecond.

2008-04-01T20:50:00.002-04:00

To Whom It May Concern:

When you see me you don’t know me, but you judge me. In a nanosecond, you’ve asked questions, selected probable answers, and summed me up according to the decision making process in your brain. Or is it also in your heart?
I watch you as you notice me. You notice my friend and you wonder, I suspect, why we are together on the train. Is that even allowed?
You look at me again, trying to figure it out. “What could be wrong with her? What does she need that dog for? She doesn’t look blind! She’s looking right AT me! Into my eyes!”. Another nanosecond has passed.
You try not to stare, but you can’t help stealing a look here and there. Besides, the dog is so adorable and well-behaved. Maybe you notice the vest that the dog is wearing. You squint your eyes and tilt your head trying to read the patches on the vest. Still, you look puzzled. Maybe you didn’t know there were dogs for that. Maybe you’re surprised that you’ve learned something new and different. Maybe you are perplexed because one or more of your trusty schemas is no longer 100% valid.
You smile at the dog. I can tell she’s melting your heart, at least a little bit. She does that. I think it comes naturally to her. You smile at me and say something. I’m pretty sure I know what you said, but I want to be certain. “She is such a beautiful dog”, you repeat for me, still smiling. I was right. That IS what you said. I smile and agree, “Yes I think she is, too”. Silently, I add, in so many more ways than you think”.
My stop is next. In a nanosecond, our world revolve away from one another, yet are inherently different from that first nanosecond.

Me.

WIYB?

2008-03-31T05:23:00.001-04:00

inmybag, originally uploaded by jac__.

ever seen those commercials for the credit cards? the ones that say "what's in YOUR wallet?" makes me sorta want to flip out my wallet and account for everything that i keep in there. a while back, while surfing on flickr, which i tend to do when bored, i found a pool or group called What's In Your Bag? where folks post a photo and label all the stuff they carry in their day to day bags whether it be a purse, backpack, messenger bag, briefcase, diaperbag, whatEV. so i finally decided to submit my own photo to document my bag and my junk in my bag. the awesome bag is a new one from etsy. i've got lots of dog stuff, nose stuff, lip stuff, hand stuff, writing stuff, ear stuff, and basic junk. this photo was of a very light day. i'm missing the orange agenda, bottled water, and other random crap that tends to accumulate in whatever bag i'm carrying.
what about you? what's in YOUR bag?

daily dog

2008-03-30T18:51:00.001-04:00

do you see a puppy?, originally uploaded by jac__.

ainsley and i waited for an oil change at the new oil change & car wash in town. she was pretty tired from her romp in the dog park earlier. she's so damn cute.

oooo! free!

2008-03-29T13:57:00.001-04:00

lifehacker's kevin purdy points us internets to some free pdf ebooks and a couple of lists of sources for free books online.

10.

2008-03-27T23:08:00.002-04:00

me, originally uploaded by jac__.

ten years have changed many things about me. not the least of these things is the thickness of my hair or the perkiness of the girls. posting the truthiness photo and comments that i got (and often get) about my hair being so thick made me laugh. my hair is very thin compared to how thick it was in this picture. where did the time go? how the hell did i get where i am today?

truthiness in the morning

2008-03-26T11:14:00.002-04:00

truthiness in the morning, originally uploaded by jac__.

sweetney at sweetney.com started this crazy self-portrait truthiness craze that bunches of the internets have surprisingly jumped all over . i say "surprisingly" because it involves up in taking a picture of yourself preferably right when you wake up, before showering, brushing the teeth, brushing the hair, etc. since so many brave souls have done this, i figured i might as well, too. i know i look like crap. i look like crap pretty much all the time. i rarely, if ever, wear make-up anymore. my hair is always a huge concernt because each strand of hair has a mind of its own and all are at odds with the other. i'm currently growing it out from the extreme short (think fluidpudding) almost-buzz-cut from this past summer. i'm thinkin' i need a new style, though. perhaps it is time to call super whoorl?

so totally wanting to do this.

2008-03-25T23:51:00.004-04:00

pink mohair shares a tutorial on this awesome hack of her plain black file cabinets (found via jennifer at declutter it!) now i'm wanting to do the cabinets in my office at work. i wonder if they will let me do that. i wonder if the stuff (modge podge) comes off easily? anyone know?

jeet yet?

2008-03-25T21:38:00.001-04:00

southern favorite, originally uploaded by jac__.

translation for yankees: that means "did you eat, yet?"
whilst doing my laundry on monday, i had the hankering for coke and peanuts. ever had that? we used to get coke in a bottle (a glass bottle mind you) and drink a little out of the top before dumping a little bag of salted peanuts into the bottle with the coke. then we'd drink the coke and peanuts. it was better that way. well, all i could get was a canned coke and a pretty big bag of peanuts out of the vending machines but it worked just the same. the only problem was it was damn near impossible to get all the peanuts outta that can.
some yankee boy dressed like a good old boy watched this whole process and appeared to be appalled. i just laughed to myself and thought "ya freak". more for me that way.

NaBlo what????

2008-03-25T20:38:00.002-04:00

so i've been like this huge fan of fussy for like evah. so i threw my hat in the ring and join her NaBloPaMo shindig. National Blog Posting Month. so anyway it used to be only one month out of the year but now it's every month with a different theme each month. so i wanted to do it for march but just didn't get off my pansy ass to do it. i figured i'd do it in april. the theme is letters. i think i could come up with a good number of posts. or maybe not. we all know how inconsistent i am. don't we?

this, you gotta see!

2008-03-24T20:29:00.002-04:00

fans!

2008-03-23T14:13:00.001-04:00

Chinese Violin? Ehru?, originally uploaded by jac__.

ainsley & i are big fans of this guy. anyone ever seen him in the MTA subways? anyone know who he is? what about the instrument he's playing? is it a chinese violin/ehru?

remaining.

2008-03-23T14:09:00.001-04:00

remaining original, originally uploaded by jac__.

daily dog.

2008-03-23T13:50:00.001-04:00

it's spring!, originally uploaded by jac__.

ainsley spring. i think we got her new haircut at just the right ttime. ain't she cute?

spring!

2008-03-23T12:33:00.004-04:00

spring flowers, originally uploaded by jac__.

i took this picture on thursday morning on the way to work. the first day of spring was beautiful and the weather has been beautiful since. it's definitely helping me get out of that nasty winter-time funk that i was wallowing in.
i hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend whether that includes easter celebrations or not. enjoy the big beautiful world around us!

rockin.

2008-03-20T10:40:00.002-04:00

dude. life is moving swift as of late. i've been busy. work. taxes. critters. plans. sleep. whew.
ainsley is feeling much better thanks to all those who asked. she was actually FULL of energy on tuesday morning. she was so excited about going to "work" and actually surprised me with improved alerting at work. i'm practicing more with her throughout the day and asking regular office visitors to help with the door knock alert. it seems to be working.
i've been using the cell phone camera to take the pictures and i'll take one of her later and post. i keep forgetting to charge the battery on my stinking olympus point and shoot digital camera. i really don't like the camera to be honest with you. i just cannot seem to get the hang of it and take pictures as good as with the old camera. the old one was an olympus also but it was an older model. i liked it way better. i really want a DSLR and have been eyeing the Canon Rebel EOS XTi and the Nikon D40. if i can decide on one of the two i'll start prowling craigslist and ebay.
i've been struggling with a few things lately. one of those things is the need to "man up" and be a grown up. i don't really wanna, but i'm certain i hafta. another thing is that my plantar fasciitis has been flaring up really bad lately. it hurts like f#$*ing HELL. i've stretched. i've taken aleve. i've massaged. i'm tired of this crap.
now work is rocking. i love my job and the people i work with. i have the absolute best mentors in the world and i'm lucky enough to be able to say they are also my friends. i never thought i'd be doing what i'm doing today and never thought i'd be doing much of anything in NYC of all places. i'm so glad i'm pleasantly surprised.

sick puppy

2008-03-17T20:10:00.001-04:00

sick puppy, originally uploaded by jac__.

ainsley was a bit under the weather today. tummy troubles. (yuck). she seems to be a bit better and hopefully she'll be as good as new tomorrow.

the daily dog.

2008-03-14T19:14:00.001-04:00

cute nekkid ainsley, originally uploaded by jac__.

today she is nekkid. and loving it. she's so freaking cute.

the daily dog

2008-03-13T21:31:00.001-04:00

whew! i tarred!, originally uploaded by jac__.

this is an older picture of ainsley, but it captures pure "ainsley"

the daily cat

2008-03-09T03:29:00.001-04:00

his name is petey., originally uploaded by jac__.

his name is petey. he takes naps. he talks. he stalks. he gives love bites, he runs and plays, he is goofy. he fits in with me and ainsley real well.

the daily dog

2008-03-09T03:27:00.001-04:00

ainsley napping, originally uploaded by jac__.

ainsley napping. she's so cute when she dreams.

totally rad.

2008-03-08T21:17:00.003-05:00

my unk clued me in to this awesome improv group and their videos. check out what they did at grand central station.

daily dog

2008-03-07T23:29:00.001-05:00

dawson & ainsley, originally uploaded by jac__.

since dooce hase a daily chuck and fussy has damn near daily cookie & peewee maybe i should do a daily pet entry (now we all know just how far that "daily" part is gonna get with me don't we???)

here's an adorable picture of ainsley & her buddy dawson. dawson is a guide dog and is just absolutely a wonderful fella. he and ainsley are in l.o.v.e. trust me. they are.

back-asswards?

2008-03-06T20:52:00.002-05:00

anyone ever plan to stuff yer guts and go to bed early the night before you have to do a fasting blood panel?
well i do. and it's about to start.

signs.

2008-03-01T10:46:00.006-05:00

a cool meme that i first heard about from deana over at friday night fish fry was started by another really cool blogger, laura at vitaminsea. you post signs from your town/area. i think this is a cool idea. she's even thinking about making this a regular meme. i hope so. i think it would be fun.

here's a picture of a sign taken in the lexington/53rd street subway station.

someone is having a problem discerning their left from their right so they decided to redefine "right".

ya'll go visit laura and check out the others who are participating in this meme and plan to join the next one!

this is blatant ignorance.

2008-02-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

not to mention plain and simple inhumanity.

just another reason i can never stop doing what i do. ever.

create.

2008-02-04T12:22:00.004-05:00

it's been forever since i tried to get in touch with my artsy fartsy side. so long that i wondered if it was still there (the artsy, not the fartsy--the fartsy is alive and well, tyvm). before christmas i got a little creative with a project that i wanted to try out. i was going to just test out fusing plastic bags together to make stronger reusable plastic bags. as i went with the flow of things, i ended up adding scraps of paper and being a bit more freehand with the plastic pieces. the result was rather artsy. so i mounted pieces of the finished product on colored scrapbook paper (cardstock actually) and i kinda like the way it looks.
just thought i'd share that i can actually do more than pick my nose and break wind. you can see more evidence in my flickr create set

product whore.

2008-02-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

i admit. i have been and continue to be somewhat of a product whore. i am always looking for the "miracle product" that will effectively render me into the better looking twin of someone like catherine zeta jones, angelina jolie, norah jones, or evangeline lily. so far, no luck. dammit.

i picked up a few items this past week and i plan to post a review of them here.

first i got the neutrogena healthy skin rejuvenator .

it is a vibrating facial cleaner. you put some little pre soaped up and presumably medicated puffs on the vibrating part and clean your face with it. it is supposed to smooth wrinkles, decrease age spots and discolorations, and firm up your skin. i used it for the first time last night before bed and i will say, i was extremely impressed with how smooth and soft my skin felt. it still feels smoother and softer today. the instructions suggest using the cleanser only 3 times per week, but i've never been known to follow directions--at least not exactly. i just wish i'd thought to download the $5 coupon from the website. it ain't cheap. i got mine at target for $33 and change before taxes, but it did come with a free box of replacement cleaning puffs. i'll remember to use the online coupon for $3 off the next box of replacement cleaning puffs.

next i got a little trial size tube of Soap & Glory Cosmetics' Great Shakes hand cream.

this stuff smells so good. let me tell you. this stuff smells so good that i woke up last night sniffing my own hands. weird. in a good way. i think. i'm normally a" hand lotion hater mainly because i can't stand that "lotion-y" feeling of gunk being on my hands. great shakes doesn't have that lotion-y feeling. not greasy or goopy residue left on my hands either. i hope it's just as good ten days from now.

another Soap & Glory Cosmetics product that i picked up was partially because of the product name and partially because i'm always trying to find nice lip gloss that is worth spending money on. Sexy Motherpucker. wouldn't you want to buy a product with that name too?

this works. not like a collagen injection i'm sure, but it does work. it tingles a few minutes after you put it on, but it isn't unpleasant. it has a slightly chocolatey smell which is the only thing i DON'T like because i'm not a fan of chocolate, unless it's white chocolate, which isn't really chocolate at all or so i'm told. still i'll probably keep using it. i can pretend it smells like hot chocolate with marshmallow creme on top. i can handle that. maybe after extended use, i, too, can be a sexy motherpucker.

anyone have any suggestions for future product reviews?

yay giants!

2008-02-03T22:01:00.000-05:00

the NY Giants win it! 17 to 14. it was a close game to the end and actually a very interesting game for a change. the halftime show and the commercials were, sadly, subpar this year. there were still some commercials that i liked. which were your favorites?

the parade is supposed to be on tuesday so i think i'll go. might be fun!

hair despair.

2008-02-03T21:04:00.001-05:00

do i grow the mop out OR go super short again?

i gotta do something. i'm sick of it.

any suggestions? any at all?

catfish update.

2008-02-03T20:55:00.001-05:00

Catfish update: my initial impression of catfish was way off. he’s actually about 8 or 9 years old. here i thought he was just a baby! he’s already neutered. the ugly mouth deal is one of two things: the big C or some kind of ulcer called “rodent ulcer”. the skin on his upper lips is basically thickened and causing his lips to protrude outward. the thickening appears to be fairly symmetrical which, according to the vet, may be more indicative of cancer. on friday afternoon, he got his shots and gave a blood sample. we’ll see that the blood tests and other labs show before we try to do anything else. hopefully, we will know something more on monday afternoon.
i bought him a cute little collar in blue camo print with a little blue bell attached to it. i was afraid he’d claw at it and go nuts when i put it on him, but he hasn’t had issue with it at all.

he’s used to ainsley now, but precious little ainsley is still cautious and considerate by not making any sudden moves around catfish. it’s cute how they match.

here’s a picture of him lounging on a pile of pillows.

he's such a sweetheart.

i wish i could come up with a better name for him. any suggestions?

ugly mother........

2008-01-31T00:53:00.000-05:00

no. i am NOT pregnant.

but there is a new critter at the house. he followed me and ainsley home from our nightly walk on sunday. he's a cat. he's about a year maybe not quite. he's an orange tabby with white markings. he's pretty smart. very sweet. just ugly as all get out. he can't help it though. looks like we have a birth defect of some sort OR a very nasty upper lip injury healed up in an unfortunate manner. he tolerates ainsley, but when she bounces around and goofs off (which is often) she makes him a little nervous.

i'm gonna try to get him an appointment at the critter doctor tomorrow and we'll see if he gets to be a regular houseguest.

i'm calling him catfish for the time being.

and don't say i didn't warn you.

if you really want to see his full ugliness, click on the picture to see a larger version. again, don't say i didn't warn you.

she is me.

2008-01-23T23:57:00.001-05:00

i've written (and, yes, talked, talked, talked) about "synchronicity" many times before. i keep coming back to it in one way or another. there seems to be a common thread, or themes, that run through my life (actually my world) at any given moment--things that stand out for me--things i tend to notice and hence, think about.
the most recent common thread has been the issue of depression--clinical depression, the kind you take happy pills for. i've taken notice that several of the blogs that i like the most are written by people who deal with clinical depression in some form or another in their daily lives. several acquaintances that i admire and respect have shared that they deal with clinical depression. family members have shared with me that they have been dealing with clinical depression. many other little things have been noticed in my world as pertaining to clinical depression.
i think i've dealt with clinical depression and anxiety for my entire life. i think that i managed for the most part like most of us do--by just being and doing the only way i knew how. yeah my life and my behavior was pretty much fucked the hell up--no denying that at all. i actually tried several times to get help but no one really seemed to take me seriously. i've been suicidal more than once. more than twice. more than three times. i've been dangerously close to being homicidal as well. it ain't a pretty picture, that's for sure. i've used alcohol and drugs to numb myself--or maybe i was just trying to obliterate myself? i currently find myself using food and sleep to avoid addressing my depression related issues.
i was formally diagnosed with chronic and recurring major depression in 2002 after i moved to wisconsin to begin my doctoral studies. i finally got some help from people who were willing to listen to me and show me what my options were. i finally got some happy pills. i went through phases when i thought, "well, hell, i don't need them happy pills no more! i'm managing my depression just fine thank you very freakin' much". i'd be ok for a while, then BAM! the black curtains would fall again. now i realize that i will always have to "deal with depression". i know that i will have to monitor my triggers and really pay attention to my own coping behaviors. i know that i will always have to deal with the not wanting to be a part of this world--meaning wanting to not be alive, not wanting to be an active participant in society, or just wanting to be invisible. my view of the future is not real bright, but it is, dear friends and readers, damned realistic. i'm sure i'll either kill my ownself and burn in whatever hell turns out to be for eternity or i'll be in one of those really not-nice government run care facilities blubbering incoherently into my pureed peas and tugging at my super absorbent Depends. you have to be depressed to believe such a thing huh? maybe.
i hadn't talked much about how i deal with depression here, or with others. i'm not real good at letting people in and getting close to me. i panic when they do get too close me and i'll do something (usually really horrible) to get them to move the fuck away from me.
i don't have relationships. it's easier that way.
i want to change, but at the same time, it's easier to stay where i am. this way, i know what to expect for the most part, sleeping to avoid the world, and dreaming up "projects" to occupy my attention.
i'm not "unhappy". that's not the same thing as depression. i'm fairly satisfied with my life as it is at the moment and i have goals for my future both personally and professionally. i'm just always going to have that dark, shadowy, brooding siamese twin attached at the hip. i cannot deny her or be rid of her completely. she makes things a little different. she sometimes colors the lense through which i perceive my world. she is me.

backatcha!

2008-01-17T02:18:00.001-05:00

whew! that was one looooooonnnnnnngggggg break! and so i didn't pop in and post a few times before i left on christmas day. i'm sure no one missed me much.
well i'm back now. mississippi was great. i missed being home and seeing my mama (awwwww) and my family. even though i got a bit sick (i spent a few days in bed scared that i was on the edge of having pneumonia), i managed to visit with some of my family and precious friends back home. i wish i had more time to stay and really get caught up with folks.
ainsley, of course, went with me and accompanied us on a couple of shopping outings and i was absolutely overcome with joy (ok....that's exaggerating, but you get the picture) that no one freaked out over ainsley like some places in new jersey seem to have a habit of doing. it was a frickin' breath of fresh air i tell you. no matter how much people like to rag on the south--and the deep south in particular--there ain't no place like home to me. the people, the sights, the sounds, the flavors--i love MY SOUTH.... which reminds me....
on one of our shopping outtings, we went to Greenwood, MS (about 35 miles from my hometown) and had lunch at the Viking Company's Mockingbird Bakery which is next to the Viking Cooking School and Shop. The acclaimed delta hotel, The Alluvian, is across the street and the Alluvian Spa is in the same building. Next stop was The Turnrow Book Company where i literally could have spent weeks browsing and hanging out. i LOVE this bookstore. i know i will be making future, lengthier visits when i make extended trips back home. i can't wait to try out the reading porch in the summer.
i bought myself the perfect little book called My South by Robert St. John and Bryan Curtis. I picked up a few other small things (local magazines) but wanted to just move in. Another stop was The Mississippi Gift Company where i was less than thrilled with the prices, but still founds lots of cute items that i really liked. the best thing is that they have mail order for all those delta gourmet items like cheese straws and trash.
i spent time helping mother sort through the backlog of "stuff" and made a huge dent in the "stuff" pile by getting rid of over five HUGE contractor's trash bags of "stuff". we've got a great deal of work to do in order to address some repair issues with her house. this means i may be spending my summers in mississippi for a while. i wonder if i can still handle the humidity??? *yikes*
i spent a good deal of quality time with my little jake-jake. he's my little JRT who ran away from home when i went off to wisconsin for grad school in 2002. he lives down the road with the neighbors now and they call him squirrel, but he still is, and always will be, my little jake-jake. he comes when i call him across the cotton field and he stops by the house when he knows i'm there. he loves up on me and lets me cuddle him. he still does this sweet little thing of putting his nose on my nose and looking deep into my eyes. still likes to play chase and to show out for me. he's a happy dog with a happy life. i sure love him.
the cats are just fine. pokey has lost her upper teeth for some reason and seemed a little thin to me so i bought her some wet cat food and she went to town with that. i left a huge box of wet food for mama to feed her from now on and now the other cat, miss kitty, insists on being fed the same although she has all her teeth. i'm amazed at how loving and sweet pokey has become. she used to be the cat version of sybil--sweet one minute and satanic the next. i think i like pokey in her old age. miss kitty likes to get up on the roof and sit right at the corner of the house watching things. aparently mama got worried that she couldn't get down the first time she did this and went to all sorts of trouble, even calling my aunt kat and uncle harry, to get the cat off the roof. now miss kitty comes down when she's ready. all by herself.
since my flight back to jersey left at 7am on a friday morning, aunt kat, mama, and i went to jackson on thursday night and spent the night with my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. of course, i had to throw a little drama into that night by getting attacked by a vicious, evil, 11lb yorkie named abby. *eye roll*. abby looked and acted like she wanted to give me a kiss and i, being the dumbass that i am, figured i'd oblige her, promptly finding said doggie's teeth embedded in my lower lip. ouch don't do it justice. thankfully, miss abby kindly left my lip attached to my face and did very little damage. still, it hurt like a MOTHERf&$^er. no lie. once the bleeding stopped and the pain subsided, it looked like little more than a mishap caused me to bite my own lower lip. today, it is almost healed and just feels like a very chapped lip. since that happened "at home", i guess it doesn't qualify as something to write home about.
while at home, i received (at the wrong address) my letter and certificate for the certification test i took in october. i was quite relieved. gotta get that sucka framed up good.
before we left for jackson, i went out to cottonwood plantation in morgan city to meet a friend of my mothers. he was pretty cool and very well read. he has books everywhere. he'd been in the hospital due to a bleeding ulcer (double ouch) but was doing much better and i was glad to finally meet him after hearing so much about him and his family for so many years. i also met trampus, the dog. mama had told me how trampus showed up looking all mangy, skin and bones, and cut up, and just sad. they didn't expect trampus to live, but he did. and amazingly, trampus is now the prettiest purebred german shepard dog i've ever seen. that's right, he's a purebred german shepard. he immediately fell long and hard in LOVE with ainsley. it was quite sweet. he was very protective of her, yet at the same time demanding (if you know what i mean!). he's incredibly smart as well as beautiful. you know me, i love dogs. i love cats. i love animals.
i also got to me little ben. he calls my mother aunt doris and mama loves him to pieces. he's a sweetheart. i've had pictures of him from when he was born but this was my first time to meet him.
all in all, the trip home was more than i expected in many ways. it was perhaps the best trip home so far. i didn't get to see aunt cookie, uncle richard, or uncle lewis, but i'll have time for that next time (i sure hope!). i did manage to re-connect with some very special and important people in my life and to understand others better than i had previously. i think some bonding was done and relationships taken to a "next level".
i already miss home, but i sure do love the city.

peek.

2007-12-09T21:23:00.001-05:00

mm.... kinda dusty in here. reckon i ought to pull out the swiffer and get to dustin'!

one lovely (and loyal) reader wondered "where ARE you????" and well, that's a damned good question. one that deserves a damned good answer.

the answer is: here, there, and yonder. literally. i've been very busy staying on top of things and generally trying to hang on to the last threads of my precariously perched sanity. life is good, folks. nothing is perfect, but damn, life is really good. normally this time of year, i'm fighting the depression monster with all my might. not so right now (knock on wood). things are going smoothly.

every day that goes by, i learn something new. sometimes i'm disappointed and sometimes i am the disappointment. still, this old world keeps spinning and folks keep going on with their lives, so, therefore, will i.

i wish i could say i'll be making a huge effort to post every day (or something like it), but i can't much say that without flat out lying. next week is the last week of classes and i am forever behind on everything that needs to be done within a certain time frame. i'm also planning a post-christmas vacation for a few weeks visiting family and friends in mississippi. since my laptop croaked (died, like gave up the ghost) and i've been too indecisive and too broke to buy a new one, i probably will have limited access to the computer during my visit. i will say that i will try to post a couple more times before i leave on christmas day. how's that?

blast!!!

2007-11-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

the past few days have been amazing. susan and i had a blast during her visit. we even went to see RENT on saturday night. my first broadway show and it was freakin' amazing! we had lunch before the show at one of the best indian restaurants i've ever eaten. i'll be back there again for sure! we did a slight bit of shopping at Century 21 and had dinner with my cousin and his wife on friday night. the restaurant was the cutest place with all kinds of baubles and pretties all over the place. a bunch of little girls were there for a cute little party as well. if you ever want to have some really good stick to your ribs kind of food and some incredible desserts, serendipity 3 on the upper east side is the place for you. we pretty much capped off Susan's visit with the NYC marathon on sunday. jamy, claire, gina, pat, stewart, and john were our friends/family in the race and we are so proud of them all for finishing and achieving this amazing accomplishment. we got a spot right on the barricade near the 26 mile marker. ainsley wasn't too thrilled with not being able to interact too much. poor doggie. i think that for susan and i, the experience was moving, touching, inspiring and somewhat motivating--not to run a marathon or run anything but to be determined and persevere towards my goals. i watched people of all shapes, sizes, abilities, ages, nationalities, races, ethnicities, religions, etc. run past me towards the completion of a long sought after goal. i watched people who were running their first marathon and people who were running their 100th marathon. i watched people who were running for a cause and people who were running for the sheer joy of running. if you've never witnessed the NYC marathon (or any major marathon) firsthand, i strongly suggest that you put it on your list of things to do and work hard to check it off. it is purely amazing! while it was uncomfortable sitting in the same spot for such a long time, we enjoyed the experience. the eye candy wasn't so bad either. i KNOW i'll be a spectator again next year! anyone care to join me????

anyone givin' ya any spah-klies???

2007-11-02T11:51:00.000-04:00

what this beautiful brown haired scottish lass ACTUALLY said to me at dinner last night was "have you had nice birthday?"
the answer was and IS: OH YES! awesome fun! more scots today and touring around NYC with the lovely Susan (short blonde haired darling in the picture)

toodles for now!

Big Four OH.

2007-11-01T12:11:00.000-04:00

it's my birthday! my 40th birthday! gimme love!

Forty years took me from this:

to this:

oops! i mean this:

if ya can't laff atcha seff, who can ya laff at?

sorry i've been a bit lax lately. life, as i know it anyway, has been a bit hectic. ya'll have some cake for me!

mo love mondays....is back!

2007-10-22T08:43:00.000-04:00

i love me some chuck! i have to check out dooce pretty much every day to get my daily dose of chuck. she usually has comments off, but it's worth a visit. i enjoy reading dooce, as do plenty of other internet blog addicts out there. she's going through a rough bit right now in terms of life and the dooce family could use a lot of good vibes sent their way. i hope you'll send out a positive thought, a prayer, or whatever to them today. it will only take a few seconds of your time.

enchanted.

2007-10-15T18:45:00.000-04:00

i've spent a good deal of time walking around the city (just a small slice of it, mind you) and the more i see, the more i love this place. i realize now why so many people fall in love with this city and what a tough kind of love it really is. new york city is gritty, honest, blatant, and raw. it gives me everything i wish all the people in my life had given me years ago--the honest truth. the city is real. i'm not sure that it gets any "realer" than this.
i am thoroughly enchanted.

whoosh.

2007-10-10T12:00:00.000-04:00

damn. time sure does fly when you're busy. i like being busy. it beats being bored. i'll be back soon.

my dog, the rock star.

2007-10-02T17:28:00.000-04:00

i mentioned in a previous post that ainsley met that famous blog guy, the creator of 43folders, merlin mann. she totally wins over everyone she meets and nothing less than that happened when she met merlin. he says, she's the best dog ever. well, i kinda knew that already, but it is nice to know others share my opinion.

monday is almost over.

2007-10-01T23:24:00.000-04:00

today was a long day. i didn't have time to post my mo' love mondays pick due to lack of planning on my part. i ended up spending my morning running around picking up a few things to fix the messes i made and complete the unfinished projects from the weekend. so ya'll just have to deal with a hodge podge of stuff.
my brother hurt his back. i think it happened at work but he's in a world of pain. poor fella.
my uncle had prostate surgery on friday. he is doing great and making a very good recovery thus far.
i had blood work & urinalisis run on friday and the results came back today. everything is normal, except for the glucose levels. fortunately for me, it isn't full blown diabetes YET, but the doc wants to talk to me *sigh*. i kinda know what to expect, and i wish i didn't have to deal with it.
i have some great students. it's a huge change from the students i had last year and i am so thankful for them.
i'm debating attending a church in the city. it would mean an extra day of commuting. not sure i want to do that.
tylenol PM is really good in the vanilla flavor.
i love my pal, dani and wish i could give her a big ole hug right now.
i am thinking about and praying for my friend marcia and her daddy pretty much all the time.
i have been thinking about and praying for one particular family member here lately. this relative is going through an incredibly difficult time and struggling with addiction. i love this person so much and i wish that i could take away all the pain and hurt that they ever felt.
i watch people in the city and during my commute and i wonder what their lives are like. i hope they are happy.

my thursday night rendezvous

2007-09-28T20:31:00.001-04:00

thursday was an amazing day for me. i made myself adopt a different attitude regarding how i respond to people and it worked! i met a ton of wonderful, interesting, and kind people all day long.
thursday evening, ainsley and i attended a tekserve presentation on OmniFocus by Ken Case, and Ethan Schoonover of the Omni Group and Merlin Mann of 43folders.

i wanted to get a photo of Ainsley with all three of the presenters but they split up after the presentation to hold court amongst the ~~groupies~~ masses.

buncha groupies, originally uploaded by jac__.

since i'm a huge fan of 43folders and of merlin mann, i opted to at least get a picture of Ainsley with Merlin.

awwwwww, originally uploaded by jac__.

Merlin was sufficiently impressed with Ainsley.

oh my!, originally uploaded by jac__.

honestly many people were impressed with Ainsley and i suspect she may have also been impressed.

tek whut?, originally uploaded by jac__.

we met norma, a wonderful lady with lots of valuable advice for us, and several other people whose names i unfortunately i didn't get or didn't write down (hence i can't remember). i know, bad me! overall, it was a blast! ~~i'll~~ we'll definitely attend more presentations/seminars at Tekserve!

between train stations, a very nice man gave me directions and offered some valuable unsolicited advice. wherever you are, mr-don't-forget-to-go-right-then-back-left-to-the-WTC-station, you rock and made me think aloud "i love this city and i love these people!" on the train ride home, i met more very nice people, two of whom actually spoke to ME rather than the dog. that was a refreshing change of pace! one person, theresa, gave me and ainsley a very nice and much appreciated parting gift of freshly baked rosemary bread! theresa is a baker with beautiful curly red hair. theresa, wherever you are--thank you so much again! you're an angel! one of the people we talked to was a young man who works on wall street and was just so laid back and amazingly charming. he was the kind of person i would have loved to have shared a couple of beers with and talked with for a while. i'll probably never see that kid again. wherever you are right now mr i-look-like-wall-street-but-i'm-not-all-about-wall-street, you, too, are an angel. the previous day left me feeling very down about how i was treating people and, in turn being treated BY people. you reminded me that there are wonderfully nice, normal, considerate, caring people on this planet--people who give me reason for being a nicer person myself. thank you from the bottom of my heart! ainsley thanks you too!

lonely isn't the dog.

2007-09-26T23:20:00.001-04:00

ironic that i feel so lonely when there are literally dozens of people each day who approach me and talk to my dog while ignoring me or just smiling at me. but i guess i can't blame them--most days, i prefer animals to people.

get a grip.

2007-09-26T23:03:00.000-04:00

tonight i realized that i really need to get a grip. i realized that i can be one incredibly obnoxious bitch. now, the whys of it all don't really matter. what matters is that i know i am in the wrong on certain things and those certain things are in my control to change. what i can't change is the fact that many people will often make snap judgements without appropriate information to base those judgements on. people will think what they will think of me no matter what i do. what can i do about it? not much. people often don't want to hear something that is completely different from what they believe. i'm tired of getting upset to no avail. i'm tired of beating the dead horse. i can't control what others think or believe based on nothing more than observations. why do i allow myself to get so frustrated? why do i allow myself to get so bent out of shape? sometimes i think i just need the attention. as much as i'd like to admit otherwise, i'm lonely. quite often, i feel like a 2 year old who just wants to be heard but no one seems to understand my language so my last resort is to throw a tantrum. then i get attention. certainly not positive attention, but attention nonetheless. at my age, i know that i will live out the rest of my life pretty much alone. i'm not real happy about that, but it is reality. do i want to spend my life struggling to control what people think about me? whether alone or not, the answer is no, not really. i think that i want the same thing that everyone else on this planet wants, happiness. happiness really isn't about who likes you and who respects you and who listens to you and who admires you, is it? i'm doubtful that i'll ever make it to that magical place called "self-acceptance". there are just way too many demons to eradicate. i wonder just how happy can a person be if they never achieve self-acceptance? are their degrees of one that lead to degrees of another? is happiness a more a fluid state of being rather than some goal to be attained? if i want to find the answers, i suppose i should start with getting a grip, huh?

ponder this....

2007-09-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

go on, read it and ponder.
JammieWearingFool

ph76:paper

2007-09-24T10:25:00.000-04:00

yes, i know this is late. get over it!

this week's photo hunt theme is "paper".
the spotlight site this week is criz at criz's sanctuary. go visit!
if you want to see more photo hunt posts for this week, check it out here or if you'd like to participate in photo hunters, go here. best yet, check out the photo hunter blogroll on the right in a cool drop down menu (click on the + next to the blog title).
my submission for this week represents one of the lovely piles that thoughtfully decorate my home. i do have a stationary fetish and love buying cards, papers, envelopes, notebooks, and the like. there are at least two storage boxes full of paper in the storage closet. i was too lazy to drag those out to photograph! enjoy!

mo' love monday

2007-09-24T08:50:00.000-04:00

it's monday again! i can't believe it's monday already. the weekends just don't last long enough for me--just like money don't seem to spread far enough! remember that boomtown rats song from the late 70's early 80's--i don't like mondays? yeah well, that's how i usually feel about mondays. i don't like 'em. mo' love mondays is pretty much an attempt on my part to make mondays a little bit of a better place for the world. ok, ok, a better place for ME! today i'm highlighting one blogger from wisconsin who has firecracker wit and a spitfire personality. it's not surprising, then, that jess riley is a soon to be published novelist under the random house imprint with the spring 2008 release of her novel, riding with larry resnick. go check out riley's ramblings, spread a little monday love to jess and enjoy yourself along the way.

EXTRA: i have a wonderful friend who recently learned that her father has a very severe and aggressive form of bladder cancer. it doesn't look good. please keep my friend, her father, and their family in your thoughts today and if you pray to a higher being (God, Buddah, Allah, etc.) please pray for them. i sure do appreciate it. so do they.

ya'll be good now, y'hear?

well shit stinky.

2007-09-19T00:33:00.001-04:00

time flies. it's tuesday night. i didn't forget but simply didn't get around to posting the mo' love mondays on monday. monday was awesome. today was right up there, too. monday was awesome because the weather was nice and my class just rocks. today was comparable for different reasons. ainsley is officially a city dog (at least i think the following makes her an official city dog)--she peed on the sidewalk! yay! she still won't ~~shit~~ do the stinky on the sidewalk, but i got no problem with that. we're close enough to central park that she can do her stinkies there. i am so proud of my girl! she rocks! i managed to get her to central park this AM in time for her to spend about half an hour off leash before we had to run back for a 9am meeting. there were SO MANY dogs! cute dogs! ugly dogs! nice dogs! not so nice dogs! it was awesome. too bad i'm not a morning person or i would make myself come into the city so she could have a couple of hours of fun time in the park a couple of times a week. well, i ain't a morning person so it ain't gonna happen that often. i think she'll live. i'm really digging central park. not only that, i'm really digging my job. i'm beginning to be able to envision myself here for the long haul. now i just need to either find someone who needs an old bitch and a wonderful dog for roomates in manhattan. i kinda doubt i'm gonna find a sugar daddy in this town. i think i'm one of only a handful of fat people here. maybe i will have that fat people's surgery--after all, i am a fat people. at any rate, things are going swell so far. there are, understandably, a few negatives floating around but i am hopeful that those negatives will be relieved or eliminated over time. i'll keep my fingers crossed just in case.

reba is missing.

2007-09-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

it's touching how many in the Chicago downtown Loop community are reaching out to help a long-time local panhandler find his beloved pooch, Reba, who was stolen on Friday.

ph75: plastic

2007-09-15T21:55:00.000-04:00

this week's photo hunt theme is "plastic".

the spotlight site this week is Lisa at Fleur de Lisa. go visit her!

if you want to see more photo hunt posts for this week, check it out here or if you'd like to participate in photo hunters, go here. best yet, check out the photo hunter blogroll on the right in a cool drop down menu (click on the + next to the blog title).

my submission for this week is an old photo that i cropped. this is the plastic fishy pendant that my maine coon, nick, used to wear. nick went to live with a family of four out in the country where he could be inside and outside. he was such a sweetheart.

update on ignorance.

2007-09-15T13:32:00.000-04:00

first, big hugs and doggie kisses to arwen over at inches and falling for mentioning our ordeal with ignorance. i'm really glad that at least one person really does want to learn a little more and do something to educate the general public. i dig you miss arwen, yes i do!

if you read my previous post on ignorance, i have a little update for you. if you haven't read the previous post, go ahead, go read it, i ain't goin' no where. *wink*

on thursday, i happened by a different location of Big Retail Store while on a little shopping expedition and the experience was WONDERFUL in that particular location. both customers and employees made comments about what a beautiful dog ainsley is (no they never mention my stunning beauty--it's probably too much for them to handle) and a few asked if they could pet her (sorry, no, not when she is working) and not one single person approached me about ainsley not being allowed or asking me to clarify or justify that she is a service dog. this is the way it should be!

but it ain't always that way is it? yesterday (friday), i drove up north to a particular thrift shop. there are several of these thrift shops in the area and i like to check all of them out because they have different things in different locations and some are better than others in terms of variety of merchandise. i also like to patronize these particular thrift shops because i believe that it is my responsibility as a rehabilitation professional AND as a person with a disability to support organizations that work with and for persons with disabilities. that being said, my little day trip up north turned out to be more of the same. the employee asked me if the dog would bite and when i looked at him without responding he got defensive "i am just asking, if the dog is going to bite anyone you have to leave". i told the guy that he was out of line for asking that and making that statement in that the dog was not in any way showing any aggression (ainsley has no clue what aggression even is--seriously she hasn't got a mean or protective bone in her body). i suggested that he contact corporation management in NYC and ask them to provide him more information on access rights of service dogs and how to handle a situation in which a service dog enters the store. he was basically blowing me off and i told him that while i suspected he wouldn't be making any inquiries to his management, i would be happy to call them and alert them to his behavior. i turned away from him to begin looking in the store and found a little short older lady yelling at me and putting her finger approximately three inches from my face. she provided such observations as "you are idiot. you no bring dog in the store. you leave. you take dog and you leave now. not right you stupid stupid stupid." this little old lady was pissed off and she was HOSTILE. i really thought that this little lady was going to hit me. not that i thought that she would cause significant damage to me, but appalled that she felt her behavior was appropriate and that i deserved that sort of treatment. the lady continued to berate me while employees and customers all over the store turned to watch. as previously at Big Retail Store, none of the employees stepped in to intervene. i tried to tell the lady that the dog was allowed in the store because she is a service dog, but she wouldn't shut up for one friggin' second. she was like your worst nightmare in your face. when she stepped closer to me and put her finger closer to my face, i took out my phone and dialed 911. while i was on the phone with the 911 operator, she took her barage up a notch still and i had to repeatedly state: "take your finger out of my face. you need to get your finger out of my face. you need to leave me alone." finally some woman that this little old lady was with took her by the arm and told her to leave me alone and guided her away. i requested an officer at the location. i waited around, while browsing, for the officers and ended up waiting outside for two officers who did show up. i explained what happened and asked that they speak to the two individuals (the employee and the woman) and let them know that their behavior was inappropriate. they did and i thanked them. after speaking with the officers i called the corporate legal representative for the thrift store company and spoke with him at length about the situation. he assured me that he would speak with the employees about how to handle that kind of situation more appropriately. i was alwo invited to tour their headquarters and see the type of services and training that they provide for people with disabilities. that ended well, but i sure wish that it had not happened at all.
this is very tiring and i wish i didn't have to do it, but i just feel it is my responsibility to make it easier for the next person with a service dog who comes along.

beauty without vanity.

2007-09-12T22:13:00.000-04:00

remembering trixie koontz.

memory.

2007-09-11T13:28:00.000-04:00

in stark contrast to the bright blue skies of tuesday, september 11, 2001, the skies of tuesday, september 11, 2007 were gray as they opened up and cried.

ignorance.

2007-09-10T18:59:00.000-04:00

I was called “ignorant”, “rude”, and told to “get out and stay out for good” among other choice adjectives, descriptors, and phrases. It’s funny how people who are nothing more than bystanders without privy to context of situations and events jump to conclusions, make assumptions, and decide to punish someone whom they believe to be in the wrong.
I made my third trip to Big Retail Store which I happen to be a very big fan of; however, Big Retail Store in Clifton, NJ has serious issues to work out regarding their employees’ knowledge and handling of customers who use service animals. On my first two visits to this store with my service dog, Ainsley, I was followed around the store, harassed repeatedly by various store employees, and at one point had two security guards, a manager, three employees, and a crowd of customers standing around me staring at me. I’ll be those customers thought I was a shoplifter or crazy terrorist lady carrying WMDs in my service dog’s bright blue vest (which is, coincidentally, emblazoned in big orange letters “hearing dog” and a big red on black and white patch stating “please don’t pet. I’m working”). On this third trip to Big Retail Store, the change in the quality of the shopping experience was like night and day. I had one employee ask me if my dog was a service dog. Period. No one followed me around the store. No one verbally harassed me about having a dog in the store. Even the very nice cashier checked me out even though she was really allergic to dogs. I felt badly about that because her nose started running and she was starting to cough a little. I was at a loss for words. Now I wish I had thanked her for being so nice despite her discomfort. I thought to myself, “well now this was a significant improvement over my previous experiences at this store. I think I’ll have an Icee to celebrate!” (I have a weakness for Icees). This is where everything went downhill fast. I got a pizza and ordered an icee then paid the cashier for my order. Pretty good so far—except for the pizza—I really didn’t need that. I stood at the icee machine getting my icee when a young lady who apparently worked in the food court approached me and very quietly said that no animals or dogs were allowed in the food court and that I would have to leave immediately. I responded rather curtly that my dog was a service dog and that she was allowed in the food court. I went back to trying to get my Icee without making a mess. I failed miserably at not making a mess, but hey it’s hard to focus when you have someone standing right next to you staring a hole in your head. The young lady told me that I was wrong and that no animals of any kind were allowed…blah blah blah…..but was still speaking very monotonously and calmly. I wasn’t calm at this point. I told her that no, the dog was allowed to be in the food area because she was a service dog (once again). The girl still stood there staring the hole into my head. I turned to her and said very loudly (apparently) and firmly (might have been perceived as hostile tone of voice) “You. Go. Get. Your. Manager. Right. Now.”
So Miss Food Court retreated behind the counter and returned a minute later. I waited for the manager to arrive. Lo and behold the “manager” was the one employee who had approached me about Ainsley earlier in the rear of the store. At this point, Miss Food Court presented the issue to the manager that I was being argumentive and would not leave. He informed her that I was allowed to be in the area due to the dog being a service dog. I began to lecture the both of them on the store’s need to inform employees about access rights of people with service dogs. At this point, some female customer decided to jump into the fray and claim to be a witness to the situation in which I began to raise my voice and speak inappropriately to Miss Food Court. Miss Female Customer pretty much got up in my face and was doing the whole “talk to the hand” bit. She was told by the manager not to get involved or “to leave it alone”. As she walked away, she said to me “you are so rude”. I responded “I’m looking at rude” to which she turned and said to me with great self righteousness, “what you are is ignorant”. All I could do is laugh that she saw me as being ignorant when in fact, she was apparently ignorant of my rights and due to this ignorance perceived my assertive behaviors as aggressive and uncalled for behaviors.
At any rate, I spoke with the manager and let him know that I had spoken to corporate in complaint of the two previous experiences that I had in the store and that I was very impressed with the changes since my last visit. I told him and Miss Food Court, that it doesn’t matter how nicely she approached me and told me to leave the food court because it was illegal for her to do so. The fact that she was unaware of my rights was completely irrelevant in a legal sense and could result in legal consequences for Big Retail Store Corporation in the form of a civil rights discrimination complaint with the Americans With Disabilities (Act) officer of the state of NJ. I told the manager that I had no intention of filing a complaint, but that I had justification in doing so. I informed him that I would be speaking with his superiors to suggest that they clarify the rules to the food court employees so that in the future, they do not make the same mistake. I walked away.
Then Big Fat Obnoxious Male Customer who was sitting at a table adjacent to my path out of the food court area decided to begin verbally harassing me by calling me names, telling me how wrong I was, suggesting that I leave and never come back, etc. etc. I tried to talk to him and tell him where he could get further information on the access rights of service dogs, but he and his female companion were having none of it and they both continued to verbally abuse me. Miss Female Customer from earlier certainly added her own 2 cents (or buck fitty) in there as well. I almost blew up in his face, but in a stroke of sensibility (I know, crazy, huh?) I shut my mouth and pulled out my cell phone. I dialed 911 and reported that I was being verbally assaulted at the Big Retail Store by customers because of my service dog and I wanted officers to come and assist as well as file a complaint. Interestingly enough, Big Fat Obnoxious Male Customer and his female companion as well as Miss Female Customer decided it was time for them to leave. I stayed on the line with the operator and completed the request. I suggested to Big Fat, his old lady, and Miss Female that they stay, relax, wait for the cops to come and surely slap my wrists and possibly fine me or even arrest me since I was so out of line. While Big Fat said he’d most certainly wait around, he was nowhere to be found when the two Clifton officers arrived about 15 minutes later nor were his old lady or Miss Female. They must have gotten lost. I talked to the cops for a while, explaining my situation. While there wasn’t much they could do about the customers since they were not still there for me to identify, they said that I did the right thing. They also suggested that the Big Retail Store employees and managers should have intervened in the situation. I hadn’t thought about that.
On the drive home from Big Retail Store I was just stunned at what had just happened. Were people truly that uninformed and hostile? Well, I guess that’s a stupid question because I guess they are! Once settled at home I called the Big Retail Store and spoke to the store manager on duty, a different person from the one who handled the food court incident, but one that I had spoken to on my first uncomfortable visit to the store. Nice Manager didn’t know about the incident that had just occurred, but did remember me from our previous encounter. I filled her in on the encounter, particularly with the customers and my concern that none of the employees, managers, or security personnel had intervened to stop the customers from verbally assaulting me. I let the on duty manager know that I would be calling to speak to the actual overall supervising manager during the week regarding the situation and that I would most likely be talking to their corporate office regarding the incident.
Where this goes, I don’t know. This is my favorite mid-priced retailer. I have NEVER encountered the level of ignorance and harassment in any Big Retail Stores that I have shopped in Mississippi, California, Arizona, Missouri, New Mexico, Tennessee, Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, or Ohio. I have never encountered this type of discrimination against my service dog ANYWHERE other than this particular store in Clifton, NJ. I commute into NYC almost every day of the week, no problems. I take my dog to grocery stores, laundry centers, auto parts stores, convenience stores, delis, etc and at most there might be the first approach because they are not aware that she is a service dog, but once I tell them that she is or they see her vest, there is no problem. Big Retail Store in Clifton, NJ projects an attitude that they must punish people and accuse people of wrongdoing if they perceive it to be so. They also do not appear to encourage actual listening to what the customer says. No matter what the customer says, if it doesn’t coincide with what the employees believe, the customer is labeled as “arguing”. I did tell the on duty manager that in the event that I encounter one more incident like the previous in their store, that I would most definitely be submitting a complaint to the state attorney general’s office on top of the contacting the store and corporate level employees. I guess that’s what I do next. But do I even want to go back to that particular Big Retail Store location? There ARE other locations in the area, albeit further away and less convenient to me. Only time will tell what shall happen. Only time.

some questions about access rights of service animals are found here: http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/ada/animal.htm

much more information is a www.usdoj.gov and through google search

mo' love mondays

2007-09-10T12:07:00.000-04:00

Oh My Stinkin' Heck a/k/a OMSH a/k/a Heather is perhaps the coolest of the cool in the blogosphere. she hosts all sorts of give aways, points you in the direction of MANY wonderful bloggers (i love that she spreads the love so much), is straight up honest, funny, and sweet. I am so jealous of her beautiful eyes--talk about KNOCK OUT! not too long ago OMSH started a fun little thing called Color Me Happy Swaparoonie in which unsuspecting internets become addicted to GIVING and RECEIVING cool, color themed treasures! i have, thus far, participated in two color swaps and am signed up and matched for the next one as well. heather is also a genius when it comes to web design. one day i plan to get her to work on my own personal web design/brand. go check out heather at OMSHville today. she ain't feelin' awesome lately (all sicky) so ya'll be sure to send her some get well wishes, too.
rock on!

the kid is alright

2007-09-07T18:10:00.000-04:00

two weeks ago i started teaching at the new job. it's been good so far. the week before that, when i went in to do paperwork, find my workspace, etc. it was awful. i'm learning that things are just done differently here. i was taking things kind of personal, but i shouldn't have been. i really love my colleagues A & L. they are just honest, straightforward, no-shit-taking people. those are the kinds of folks i really love.
everyone is in love with ainsley. everyone. i wish i had that effect on a few select men. keanu reeves to be exact. no kidding! i love riding the subway and seeing all these people break out in a big grin when they see her. just seconds before they were walking around in their "new york bubble" just trying to get from point a to point b without being fucked around or over, then BAM! there's ainsley and her "the world is a shiny happy lovely wonderful place and i love you SO MUCH!" attitude. it makes me feel good that my little muttmeister can make a few smiles each day. of course there are some asshoolios who are just ignorant and i try my best to just ignore them. i don't wear the bionic ear on the commute in the AM so that's easy then and i'm considering not wearing on the commute back in the evenings if i get another smartassed comment from someone who doesn't want to hear anything but the sound of their own voice. ainsley is a service dog--much like a seeing eye or guide dog, she alerts me to sounds that i cannot or don't hear. she is protected under access laws like civil rights legislation, animal/pet legislation, and disability specific legislation. she CAN go anywhere with me include in food establishments, transportation, etc. i have a feeling that i will be taking my place on the soap box to educate people and organizations about the access rights of service animals and their owners and trainers. i have run into a couple incredibly alarming situations at one particular local retail establishment. they will be hearing from me at the local and corporate levels.
i have been making an effort to become more informed and knowledgable of the transportation options and i've toyed around with various commuting options. i will continue to do that as time goes on. in fact, i plan to try a different commute at least once next week to see how it goes. so far, the commute isn't bad. it can be a long wait at certain times, but there are different options that i have not been aware of and i'm sure there are other options that i'm still not aware of. ainsley does great on the commute. she is completely unaffected by it all. she is taking all this change and all this excitement in stride. she is having to adjust to seeing more dogs being walked and packs of dogs being walked by dog walkers--an uncommon sight for us. i'm also having trouble at the local dog park. all the male dogs have been clamoring to gang bang my sweet pup. the owners have decided that i am an idiot who is bringing a dog in heat to the dog park and that i am just asking for trouble. wrong. ainsley was fixed years ago. she has the scar to prove it. unfortunately because she is so submissive, she won't communicate to the gang bangers to knock it off already. i think park of her thinks it is a big game because she can make them chase her (which she LOVES!). as long as they are not hurting her and none have penetrated (gawd that sounds so disgusting!)--she won't make a sound or nip or bark or growl or anything. we may have to go to a different dog park all together since i have heard from two people that their male dogs did not hump other dogs until they started going to this park. poor ainsley.
while at work, i havewalked ainsley down to central park a few times since there are green spots and dirt spots around trees in the sidewalks in that direction--hence places where she will "potty" or "hurry" as the command is for us. she loved central park and i am checking out different sections of it online to check out during our long days in the city. i'm also trying to figure out a quick route to carl schurtz (sp?) park where there is a supposedly a nice dog park.
i steered clear of the city yesterday and today due to a taxi strike and fashion week at bryant park. as i become more comfortable with my surroundings, i will extend my comfort zone little by little in the city. i have not seen any famous people yet, but my mother called me and told me that brad pitt and his daughter were in central park the same day that i was walking ainsley there. see. now my mother is a celeb-watcher because her daughter works in nyc!
my new apartment is really an old old place but it has character and it is cheap for the area. i got rid of a lot of my belongings prior to moving here--perhaps more than i should have, but i actually feel quite refreshed and less stressed with fewer belongings since that means less clutter and less chaos. things are slowly coming together and i am having to pinch my pennies until my first payday, but this experience is teaching me to live with less and to live more simply. there is still some work to be done to fix up the apartment (painting, fixing, cleaning, etc), but i am comfortable and safe. those are the most important factors.
i am looking forward to my first real guest in november. my friend susan will be coming to cheer on a scottish friend in the NYC marathon. as luck would have it, my cousin's wife, jamy, will also be running the marathon. we will all get together and have a blast i am sure. susan is always so much fun.
i have made a decision about a few things in my life that will change many things drastically, but i also know that the changes will be for the very best. in the days and weeks and months that follow, i am focusing on living and not hiding. this has become a struggle for me. it has, over the past few years, become much easier for me to withdraw and hide from life and living and from engaging with others. i don't want to continue like this. i want to be ME. the real me. the me that is engaging, curious, and all about experiencing the world. i am in the center of the universe (or at least a few miles from there) so it would be criminal if i didn't take advantage of the opportunity.
dear friends and readers, i'll be posting more regularly now that i've settled into my new life a little bit. i'm looking forward to getting feedback from you all on things i need to do and see here on the east coast and in NYC. i'm clueless, so clue me in!

mo' love mondays

2007-08-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

OOLOTH a/k/a Old Old Lady Of The Hills a/k/a Naomi is one of the most refreshing bloggers i've encountered out there in the big wide blogosphere. i love reading her posts whether they be a trip down memory lane, a discussion on art, wonder at the natural world around us, or just sharing her day to day life with us, her loyal internet groupies.
i hope you'll all go give Naomi a shout. i'm quite certain that she will manage to brighten up your day.
spread the love, folks, and have fun!

mobi-blog

2007-08-16T23:24:00.000-04:00

i am blogging to you today, dear internets, from my verizon powered samsung u620. why? because i have officially moved to new jersey and have no internet service--not even the pilfered wifi kind. hell, i can't even find a panera bread co. which saved my ample ass last week with their free wifi. dog and i have had quite the adventure these last few weeks. the adventure is slated to continue indefinitely and you can only read about it here. scenic travels, spectacular encounters, and colorful characters blend together to make for enticing tales of wonder. that's all you get for right now. additional detail requires the use of a bonafied full-size keyboard. whew! i'm done for now!

driftin'

2007-08-14T23:10:00.000-04:00

so i left indiana today. heading to jersey.
nice drive today. finish up tomorrow with a few stops along the way to see some interesting things.
speaking of interesting things.......i got to meet a long time internet friend briefly today. she's as beautiful and charming and down to earth in person as i could have ever imagined her being.
i honestly felt weird. i didn't want to meet her. why? because of my appearance. i've gained tons of weight (pun intended), recently went with a very "butch" kinda buzzcut hairdo, and opted for some ill fitting weird-assed pants which i bought in the largest size i could find thinking that i'd need it to cover my humongeous ass and gut. for some reason i'm not all that thrilled that they are too big. go figure.
i talked to my california cousin on the phone during a bit of the drive. she's such a nut. i love her to pieces. she and her husband are two of my favorite people in the world. they love animals and have an ever expanding animal baby brood. i'm so jealous!
i talked to my mama, too. we talk a lot more than we used to. i would say that we actually have a relationship, whereas, i'm not so sure we have ever had a real relationship in the past. better late than never, for sure.
tomorrow i continue my trek eastward. i think that i might take a detour here and there since i found out that my apartment may not be completely ready by tomorrow night. my landlord wants everything to be completed and nice for me. he seems like a straight up kinda guy. of course, i've been horribly wrong about people in the past, so who knows?
ainsley is enjoying everything in her typical ainsley way. some days i really wish i was a golden retriever.

it's been a while..........

2007-08-05T00:04:00.000-04:00

what have i been up to?

1) i moved out of my lovely and expansive muncie, indiana rental
2) i became officially homeless
3) i went to NYC and took my assistance dog with me for the first time aside from being hot and exhausted, she did marvelously!
4) i fell in love with my best friend's little boy all over again (it happens every time)
5) i wondered how some people manage to be completely oblivious to their own hypocrisy
6) i took the electric clippers to my head
7) i realized, post-clip, that i'm at least 50% gray headed now
8) i had ainsley groomed and given a "buzz cut"--now we match--sorta
9) i managed to find a decent apartment at a "reasonable" rate in new jersey without having to face a dreadful commute into the city
10) i met some really nice people
11) i met some really sweet doggies
12) my belief that faith is what gets you through was strengthened
13) i realized that i'm officially an "old lady"
14) i felt like a dirty old lady when i was contemplating flirting with the incredibly hot waiter at the shitty restaurant that i ate at tonight
15) i got tagged for a meme by fauve

These are the official rules of the meme from Sudiegirl:
If you could invite 10 people to a dinner party (or five if you don't feel like inviting ten), who would you invite? They can be alive or dead, "if they're dead they can be temporarily resurrected for the party but then they have to go back to being dead because those are the laws of the universe."
Menu: catfish, hush puppies, onion rings, cole slaw, co-cola, sweet tea, and watermelon
Location: Memorial Union Terrace on the campus of the University of Wisconsin--Madison during the SUMMER!
Guests:
1) Maya Angelou
2) Mrs. Lewis
3) Sharon
4) Dani
5) Salvador Minuchin
6) Beatrice Wright
7) Keanu Reeves
8) Tony Robbins
9) Terrence Howard
10) Katherine Hepburn
why? cuz i can

i ain't gonna tag no one. i don't think no one reads regular enough for me to do that. if'n you wanna do it, knock yourself right on out!

mo' love mondays

2007-07-23T11:52:00.000-04:00

deana aka rollie at friday night fish fry shall henceforth bask in the warmth of the mo' love mondays spotlight.
i love deana's blog for it's realism, the writing, the photos, and the celebration of life. i think you'll like what you find there. so go visit! now.

not for the squeamish.

2007-07-18T15:55:00.000-04:00

michael vick (aka ron mexico aka ookie)and his dog fighting buddies will surely burn in hell for such horrible crimes.

http://deadspin.com/sports/ron-mexico/its-all-about-ookie-today-279666.php

yeah, i do mean that. maybe he'll even get a huge dose of karma along the way. i certainly hope so.

thanks to cajunboyinthecity for the info

mo' love monday

2007-07-16T11:24:00.000-04:00

it's that time again, dear blog friends. time to spread a little mo' love on monday. today, i'm highlighting the blog of a long-time net friend, fauve at ......so i stabbed him in the head with a fork.
mosey on over. check out her witty sensuality and her own je ne sais quois. leave her some comment love if you wish. leave me some comment love, too!
if you missed last monday's mo' love spotlight, be sure to scroll down and check that entry out as well!
happy f-ing monday, ya'll.

what i really meant to say............

2007-07-11T17:54:00.001-04:00

i would absolutely love to just scream at the top of my lungs "fuck off!" to quite a few people in my little world today. it really is a bitch when you have to be diplomatic and refrain from such verbal barrages. someday, i will be an old woman and i will scream "fuck off!" to everyone who pisses me off and will blame it on being senile. then i'll get away with it. i can't wait to get old.

whoah.

2007-07-10T11:22:00.000-04:00

the chick at the happiness project has me pegged! seriously. the modge podge really hit home with me. go read it!